It’s that time of year again! The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant is scheduled for Saturday, June 13th at 2:30 p.m. at the Kings County Saloon in Bushwick, Brooklyn.
With lines down the block in previous years, it promises to be another mob scene next month at the new and roomier Kings County Saloon. Started 2013, it’s the only pageant in the world where small penises are celebrated. This year the prize has been pumped up to $500. (kind of makes me wish I had a small penis and not a small vagina).
The nuttiness will kick off at 2:30 p.m. Hopefully bartenders will still be mixing up a special COCKtail, the “Penis Colada” drink: a creamy, white concoction that by no coincidence resembles semen, and comes with a phalic-shaped straw to boot.
Per a media release, contestants will be judged in multiple categories, just like a beauty contest. However these beauties will all be from below the belt, not the 50 states and Puerto Rico! A “wee crown and scepter” will be awarded to the least-endowed man best exhibiting “extraordinary heart, talent, and chutzpa.”
Last year, event promoters told HuffPost the pageant was all about empowering the little guys, describing it as a competition “for confident people with a sense of humor.” There were five contestants last year: the Puzzle Master, Rufio, Rajkumar, Twig ‘n Berries and Spiderman mask-wearing Peter Parker. The contestants were introduced to the audience via a question-and-answer session. And although this was a tiny penis competition, it was pretty clear from the get-go that both Rufio and Twig ‘n Berries had perfectly average-sized penises. They were just in it for the fun of it.
I’ve been told post-Q&A came the swimsuit competition. The fellers lined up on top of the bar, their goodies camouflaged with sheer cloth-covered with sea creatures. Then they were sprayed with water by Super-Soaker wielding bar staff, and urged to dance for the crowd. Apparently, that’s when things got a little wild.
Finally, there was the crowning. The contestants wore tiny tuxedos over their penises in celebration. Hopefully last years winner, Rajeeve Gupta, 28, a Fulbright scholar from India, will be there to hand over the title to the new winner who will be celebrating his place in Small Penis history. Last summer when Gupta was crowned the wiener of the second annual dick show he said, “I’m so happy! Hopefully I’ll meet someone because of this.” Hopefully, Raj wasnt given the shaft since his big win. “Raj was definitely the littlest big winner.” said bar owner Aimee Arciuolo.
Sounds like a fun afternoon and $5.00 well spent. It’s worth it just for a Facebook status or check in and a load of jokes. But, based on my experience counseling some men with unusual fetishes and sexual conditions, I have a sneaking suspicion that if you held a contest for the smallest penis and the men WERE humiliated, NOT celebrated, the bar owners would really make a shit load of money. But that’s a whole other thing, isn’t it?
Those interested in competing or serving as a judge must be over 21, and have been asked to email SPB.Brooklyn@for further details. Cheers! Here’s to the little guys.