First Date Advice for Men

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I’ve had some really lame first dates even though I try to be really thorough screening potential suitors. Some people are great on the phone and via text. I’ve found you never really know if you did a good job until you spend an evening together. So here are some of my very random DOs and DON’Ts.

Never order venison on a first date. I do not wish to watch you eat Bambi.  (If you do, I promise there will be no second date/ Unless of course youa re Anthony Bourdain and then I would watch you drink kitten blood while you scarfed down foie gras.)

Do not talk about your ex-wife. I do not care. I may not even care about you by dessert.

Do not wear a dirty sweater. If you want to wear an ugly sweater that is your business. Dirty is unacceptable.

Just to let you in on a fashion tip, pleated pants have gone out of style.

Cut your nails before a date. Yes, even your pinky nail! A single long nail is not cool. It was never cool.

Brush your teeth. Remove any toothpaste residue.

Check your zipper before I arrive.

Do not wear sneakers if you are over the age of 12 and it is an evening date. Before 6pm is acceptable.

Do not schedule a date at 5:40 when you only have a block of 20 minutes between appointments.

Do not plan an “active” date ie. Samba dancing, golf, or a walk (anywhere) without mentioning it in advance. Quite often women wear high heels or have no interest in the activities your therapist has recommended to help ease your anxiety.

Do not talk about your ex wife. I don’t care.

I think it’s great you have kids. I actually love kids. Today I want to learn about you and see if I would like to have a second date.

Leave your phone in your pocket. Or if you cannot do that even for the duration of our date, mention you are expecting an important call or you need to be available in case your kids might call. I’ll feel better about it.

Do not compare me to anyone. You do not know anything about me yet.

Do not tell me a story about your ex bother-in-laws sister’s housekeeper’s foster daughter’s son who I will never meet. I DO NOT care.

Do not ask me about what I did after I graduated from college, It was decades ago. I have been at least five other women since then.

If it’s raining, snowing, hailing, or below 12 degrees do not offer to walk me home. I will be taking a cab and you will not be in it.

Please do not push me up against a cold granite wall, shove your tongue in my mouth and your hands down my pants. I am not bringing you home. We’ll maybe I would if it was the third date and I was really into you.

Naturally, don’t ever be rude.

When the check arrives. Do not throw the small leather holder with credit card in it to the waiter and yell, “Catch” at a Mario Batali restaurant. This might be approriate at a sports bar.

Don’t try to hold my hand.

Do not refer to your children as stupid.

Do not use the word cunt. Ever.

Sharing food is one thing. Eating off my plate is another. DO NOT put your fork, spoon, or chopsticks on my plate. I will pass you a taste in a sanitary fashion. (If I am sleeping with you, this is a different story.)

Do not try to get a peek at my breasts or my ass. I see you looking. Trust me, I have both and they’re damn nice. Let’s be honest, did you ever meet an ass or a pair of breasts that you didn’t like?

Do not tell me about your sexual exploits. It makes me ill. Well, maybe how you lost your virginity would be entertaining as long as it wasn’t last month.

Please wax your hands before date if they resemble a gorilla.

Do not talk about your ex-wife. (this is not a typo)

Thank you.

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