With all the news of Caitlyn (formerly Bruce) Jenner’s transition, I thought I would share another real life story of transition. Very few transgender people, male to female or female to male, can make physical changes so quickly as we have seen Caitlyn go through over the last year or two. Here is Emily’s story. Her story is much closer to the majority of folks in the transgender community. Please read with an open heart.
Ever since I can remember I always felt different, unique and very sad inside when I thought about my life and how I envisioned it to be. I was trying so hard to fit in and be what I was supposed to be even though I cried inside and tried desperately to break free to the girl’s side. Despite my feelings I knew I couldn’t disappoint my parents as they saw me as a boy even though I didn’t see it that way.
Sure I was born male with a penis but my mind, heart and soul registered as female. I was always crying inside as a boy as I saw the girls in their pretty dresses wishing I could dress like them and feeling my body and mind completely at odds with each other. I felt the pain in my heart and it affected every aspect of my life and pushed me into striving to live as male even though it didn’t feel right at all. I reluctantly came to accept my life situation as a “boy” growing into manhood and I remember living in total fear of puberty and worrying about how it would affect me. My dressing was my escape and I always enjoyed the times I spent gazing at my reflection in the mirror in our living room wearing a pretty dress. I had to do this secretly and when I was home alone. My feelings were all centered around the discomfort with my body and how I viewed myself. I envisioned wearing the dresses, the bows in my hair, the nail polish and the pretty shoes because I was truly one of the girls. I always envied the girls at my school where I would see them all dressed so pretty as they looked so cute and wore such nice plaid rompers/skirts, blouses and Mary Jane’s shoes which were the school uniforms for girls in Parochial school. Meanwhile I had to wear boring gray pants with a shirt and red tie from grades one through four and blue tie from grades five through eight. I felt I should have been wearing the girl’s uniform and being addressed and treated as one of the girls as a student, an athlete and a person. I was so jealous of what the girl’s had and what I wanted so desperately to have.
As I think back to my boyhood days I remember the clothes I had to wear versus the clothes I wished to wear and the choices, styles and selections I had to wear were diametrically opposite to the clothes I wanted and needed to wear to feel happier and truthful to myself. My parents and my two sisters never knew my secret growing up nor did my friends. I was forced to live in the closet for fear of rejection, ridicule and bullying. I managed however because I was a very dedicated student in school and I was very skillful in baseball and cross-country running in grade school and all throughout high school.
It wasn’t until I reached puberty that I learned that girls have vaginas and boys do not! I felt trapped with a body that didn’t match my gender identity. I was all girl and I remember I would cry when I realized I was very different from the girls I knew. We had very different anatomies and I knew in my heart and soul that I was a girl! I was a different type of girl! It was very difficult and emotional for me to come to terms with this painful reality. I was born with a penis but I felt totally female and this confused me and made me an emotional recluse hiding behind my studies and my athletic participation. I felt if I buried myself in the books and immersed myself in athletic competition my ongoing depression and gender dysphoria would go away. I always felt my body did not make sense to how I perceived myself from a gender perspective. I was literally sleep walking through my life with no sense of hope as I knew no one that struggled like I did and to make it worse I had no one to share my “secret” with. I just wanted to dream of a place where I could go and live the life I felt in my heart I should. I wanted to live my life as a very feminine woman with a vagina and breasts indeed!
All I could envision was the sad truth that I was not going to experience the joys of young womanhood and I was destined to be a girl with boy parts and the most difficult thing for me was knowing no matter how much I wished and prayed for a miracle I was never going to have a vagina which was always my dream and sadly a mere fantasy for me. I remember praying to God almost every night when I didn’t cry myself to sleep asking him why was I born the way I was, with boy body and girl mind and spirit. I just felt so lost and alone and was just going through the motions psychologically although I continued to excel in my academics and athletic endeavors. This plus music helped me cope to a certain degree but I still found myself secretly cross-dressing which played a major theme in my life as dresses, swimwear, lingerie and shoes were so much fun and so very appealing to me.
I remember through the years and quite vividly how important it was for me to live the life of a woman with a fully functioning vagina and to feel feminine and attractive to guys. If only I had a vagina I could experience feelings I never had of penetration and orgasm. I wanted to have a man inside of me through way of my vagina and to provide me the joys and wonders of sexual intercourse where I am the goddess. Oh what it would be to have a vagina! Pure joy and incredible sensations that only women can experience and that can only be imagined at this stage in my life.
I would even be happy with a tiny vagina! All I wish for is to have a vagina, to be happy and to experience the joy of sex as a woman. The truth of the matter is that although I identify completely as a woman in my mind, heart and soul I am genetically a male and I can’t change that nor do I want to undo what I am which is a proud father with gender dysphoria of a 16-year-old son who happens to have his own inner struggle with autism. My son is my life and I support both my wife and son. I am not ever going to be a real woman because I can never menstruate, I can never conceive, I can never give birth. I can never feel the pain that women and girls feel. Women and girls are truly special in every way and in my heart I too am a girl blossoming into womanhood even if it is as a transgender girl. I will live my life the way I see fit and that is as a very caring, loving and empathetic person who loves being a father, a husband, a brother, a son, an engineer, an accountant and a transgender woman of course with hopefully a body that eventually will match the mind. I don’t need to go overboard. I just want to carry on as I should! I am a woman! I am Emily! I am Transgender.
To find out more about Emily, please see the links below.