To Screw or Not to Screw

herpesvirusAs 2016 was just about to end I was really looking forward to dinner with a gentleman I’d been seeing. I was beginning to think this one had some possibilities. Serious possibilities. We got along well and there was attraction and a good rapport – the elusive chemistry you might say. Having somewhat similar life styles, values and work ethics made it even more comfortable. So after a great meal and a few drinks it was time to find out if we’d be compatible in one last way…

Things were getting very hot and heavy in bed when suddenly everything came to a screeching halt. I looked at his face. I watched as he sat up and leaned his bare back against the headboard. The room was silent until he said,

“I have to tell you something.”

His words echoed against the bare walls. Oh god, it’s never any good when someone says those words. Was I doing something wrong? Did he have a peculiar fetish or need porn to get an erection? Maybe he also suffered from Erectile Dysfunction? Or had recently recovered from Prostate Cancer? My head spun not sure if I wanted to find out.

“I have Herpes.”

“The mouth kind?”

“No, not the mouth kind.”

Why in god’s name did he wait to tell me this when we were both nude in his bed?

parisian-chic-street-style-dress-like-a-french-woman-1“It wasn’t a big deal for my last girlfriend.But you know the french, they’re very relaxed about sex. I honestly thought you’d just say fine let’s use a condom.”

He actually said these words although we were talking about putting a band-aid on a paper cut. My mouth hung open. Stop that I thought. Do not judge him. Appreciate his honesty. Thank god he told me BEFORE anything happned. I was an adult so I wanted to communicate my honest feelings,

“Wow. No one has every told me this before. I’m not sure what to say.”

“I can’t believe you think this is a big deal. Do you realize almost 70%* of the population worldwide have herpes?”

I hadn’t and wasn’t even sure if his facts were true or if he was Donald Trump-ing me.

{NOTE:*His figures were not even close to accurate according to Atlantic Magazine “genital herpes statistics are usually quoted at closer to 25 percent for women – that’s one in four – and 10 percent for men, but most of these people don’t even know they have it.”}

“That may be true but I’d like to remain in the other 30% and not have to have this conversation with my next lover. I have enough problems already.”

“It’s really not a big deal you just have to take a medication…”

“I don’t even take aspirin. I’m not taking any drugs just to sleep with you. Or anyone. No offense.”

“Now you’re making me feel like a leper.”

“A leper? That’s your stuff not mine. If I felt that way I wouldn’t be having this conversation I’d be sound asleep by now.”

1-2“I’ll call my gynecologist on Monday and see what she says. Let’s talk then.” I hoped he
realized I was giving him the boot.

“I thought we’d spend the weekend together brunch, museums, movies…”

“I have to work tomorrow.”

“You didn’t tell me that.” He sounded beyond disappointed.

I hadn’t. Not because I was lying it just didn’t come up.

He called me the next day to see how work went and explained he wasn’t a “needy guy” (his word not mine) he just wanted to get to know me better over the weekend.

I was conflicted. He communicated and was pretty comfirtable with his feelings as far as men go(okay so I’m stereotyping – please forgive me). He was honest to share with me he had herpes. He didn’t have to tell me that. I never would have known. He was a good guy, a generous guy, handsome, a little rough around the edges but dressed in Armani with all the trappings of a successful man.

genital-herpesI agreed to see him Sunday night for a casual bite. Our clothing remained on at all times.

Of course my genitals itched and I was convinced I had already contracted herpes until I heard back from my doctor on Tuesday after the new year. She explained the risks.

In the meantime, he went to his doctor for a full blood work up and tests. Ten days later he claimed he was good to go although he never showed me the results from his doctor. I’m not willing to take a chance.

 

 

Ciao Bello

AMALFI0815-wineSo I had my date with the handsome foreigner. I loved the club. It was all that I was expecting as far as decor and vibe. A friendlier, more colorful SOHO House. I felt like I was in a cool friends living room at a holiday party.I checked in at the front desk and the hostess was as gorgeous as I knew she would be. My date was a few minutes late but I was made to feel very welcome in the meantime. I watched as he entered the room. I was sitting across the room. He was handsome in a manly way but on the shorter side. (If I sound like I have a problem with short men, I don’t. I have dated many men under 5′-10″ and had long-term relationships with three of them. I just don’t like when people misrepresent things like height and weight. I plan my show accordingly and I’d honestly rather be in a flat or a low heel than stilettos. images-1Flag #1. Ok I get it – men tend to fib/lie about this and women often take a few pounds or years off. Move on and be positive! So what, he was charming, considerate, wearing good nothing, absolutely smart and well-traveled. Things were looking up.

I have no interest in talking about myself since I know everything there is to know about me biographically so I like to listen. Give a man enough rope and they will hang themselves is my motto. I learned of his discomfort as a student at the Sorbonne, his wife and their messy divorce “She thought I had millions more buried somewhere”, not much about his children (usually a sign that there’s a problem or relationship issues). As he blabbed I paid attention. I think thats the most important thing to do on a date – listen and learn! He then spoke of the Zimbabwe model he dated and then came the story of his second marriage. Yet another flag. They were only married “so she would be covered under my medical coverage”. She had “some health issues” which he didn’t go into detail. Nice guy or another red flag? Then he talked about his living circumstances from renting a floor in a run down brownstone in Brooklyn to his subletting a small apartment not in a very desirable area from a colleague. Oh and he brought up money and expenses too often. He never really was clear about his emotional hibernation but he was certainly painting a picture with ups and downs. I like steady and even keeled. Hmmm… Pleasant, polite, considerate but a small cloud was over his head. Would I go on a second date? Maybe I was being too harsh. I could have dinner and see what I thought. We finished up and he helped me with my coat. I heard him mumbled something about the quality of my Max Mara cashmere coat. I ignored it.mood06_ai10_101801-gall

My date gratuitously walked me to a lounge where I was meeting a friend. He gave me a gentle kiss on the lips. Yeah, maybe I would go on a second date. By the time I ordered a drink I had a new message on one of my email accounts. Mind you this is an email account I only use for business – not general business, specifically writing. It is not connected to this blog or anything else. I clicked on the link:

A Promise Kept:
Even if you never saw me again, I would be remiss if I didn’t share the experience of dining at Lo Scoglio in the small town of Nerano.  That’s a seaside village near Sorrento and Capri.  You enter it by boat.  It’s on the coast.  Food is magical and one of the most memorable dining experiences I’ve ever had.  You are literally on the sea itself and the food is amazing.  It’s part of a hotel.
lo-scoglio-delle-sirene
There are two restaurants in the village:  one is a Michelin-starred restaurant where all of the tourists go.  All of the Italians go to Lo Scoglio.  It’s run by a wonderful family (the dog is all over the place) and it’s just wonderful. We tried several dishes, all of which were superb, nothing over-embellished, just simple food made from the best ingredients, cooked really well.  Definitely a place to go with a special person. Ciao bella!
How did he get my email address? Why was he sending restaurant recommendations for the Italian Riviera? I spend more time in Fra4456.Capri-ferrynce, I’m not particularly fond of Italian food and I never expressed any interest in Italy or asked for his advice. I was weirded out. By the time I got home I had a text message and then another and then a phone call from him. So here we have it, expectation to disappointment in less time then the ferry from Sorrento to Capri.
UPDATE: The day after my blog pieces Looking Forward/ Looking Forward 2 posted I received this message from my date – Happy New Year. I hope you weren’t totally freaked out by our meeting at Norwood and had a good time in the Caribbean. I was amused at your characterisation of the build-up to the date, as I had given details of Norwood to assist, certainly not to patronise. If it came across as viewing you as “stupid”, I apologise. And I do prefer “age appropriate women” (my profile actually is 40-55, not 30*, which would be kind of creepy, I agree). Anyway, at least I wasn’t as bad as the cheapskate date, (although perhaps you were indulging in some artistic license there as well?:D )
I never gave him my blog’s name.
*This was an outright lie.

Show Us Your Penis

Here’s a Monday laugh for you! Thanks College Humor.

Put One Foot In Front of the Other

images-3Disappointment can be hard. Affairs of the heart can be particulary tough. Especially if you’re dating actively and it’s one disappointment after the next. In 2015 I had 106 dates. In 2016 I’ve already had eleven dates and it’s only February 2nd! (Full disclosure: of the eleven dates I have only had a second date with two – often my choice but sometimes not). Although each of the men I met were kind, interesting and polite, none of them were right for me. I found it discouraging to say the least. As much as I’d rather stay home and write, cook, paint or scroll around of Ebay, I decided it was a new year and a new me. I was not going to let a bad date, a bunch of average guys or a stalker (story coming soon) get me down. That’s when I met Peter.

images-4Peter lives in a tiny seaside community. He is in the fashion business. After a very high-profile and public divorce, he is very much single and alone -kids off at college and he doesnt even have a dog. Peter is clearly a man who likes to be part of a couple. We hit it off the first time we spoke on the phone. He’s a super interesting guy who has lived a bigger life than most of the men I’ve date this year combined. He was fun, comfortable, a breath of fresh air. Maybe sailing and walks on the beach have seeped into his pores. I hope I don’t sound like an overly optomistic woman (becuse I’m not!) but I have a feeling that he could be a great match for me. I certainly don’t want to be likehamptons2_1367233c a friend of mine who is constantly sure each and every man she dates is the perfect man for her. From overweight guys with mommy issues, to alcoholic attorneys to the guy with the lingerie fetish, I never saw anyone with her commitment to dating and her sunny disposition with each new guy. By the time the relationships were over, some in a matter of days and others in weeks or months, they were all asshole, scum or rotten bastards. There was never any grey or uncertainlty for her – it was all or nothing. Part of me feels like some of her is wearing off on me. Maybe if you’ve been in the dating game this long, and late in life, you need to trick your brain into believing the next man could be your next love or god forbid, your soul mate.

I’ve decided not to think about it too much. Enough analyzing myself, Just go out for god’s sake and give it your best shot. I hope I will have a good dating story for you soon. Keep on truckin’!

 

Black Tie

blacktiecouplelgee1377748335569I used to love going to black tie events. A new dress, seeing my hairstylist, getting all spiffed up from top to toe. I no longer care. The meals are often horrible or cold. I have to be nice. I have to spend gobs of money if I want to do it right. And I’m always cold. Yeah, that’s an issue these days and so are shoes. Where some women are lucky enough to get hot flashes, I’ve always been freezing. I can’t go anywhere (eBlack-Tie-1ven in August in Southern California) without a cashmere sweater or a wrap. That’s one of the reasons I prefer Europe in the summer – so many places don’t have and the ones with climatisation is nowhere near as effective as in America for some reason.

So today I received an invitation from a man I had just one date with to a black tie gala event. He said it would be “right up your alley.  Think fun, fashion, creative types and lots of gay guys.”

tumblr_mvi2tlybmx1szjvtio1_500

Dresses by Andrea Pitter of Pantora http://www.pantorabridal.com

It’s a fundraiser for HIV/AIDS – one of the bigger ones this season. I was tempted but I already was going to the Geoffrey Beene event on Tuesday. Two in one week? I could wear the same get up although there might be some cross over of guests. Did I care?

Maybe my hair and nails would hold out? It kind of sounded like a nice gala with a fashion show AND a trunk sale. Visions of my first date with my ex husband. October NYC Plaza Hotel – the first time I laid eyes on a very young Naomi Campbell. Focus! Do you want to go or not? Ugh, it’s just too much work!

In Good Company

Kirstie_Alley_1994

Kirstie Alley and I think alike. Although she’s 12 years my senior and has been struggling with weight ups and downs for decades she’s not impressed by her selection of men. Seems she’s met a lot of the same sort of characters that I have!

The 64-year-old actress recently told Entertainment Tonight about her dating dilemma as a woman over 50. “I wanted to say something to men over 45. Don’t be so freaking boring!” Alley said. “Don’t have the life already sucked out of you.” She too would like to do everything in her power to avoid dating much younger men.

Alley announce081415_stone2_450d that she was ready to “hook up,” after her most recent weight loss. Here’s what she said about dating dull men her age,

“All it does is leave women to date young men and be really embarrassed, because we are dating guys in tank tops,” Alley continued.” I want some men around my age that aren’t boring, and act like they are tired.”

Believe it or not, even Sharon Stone, the absolutely gorgeous Casino actress, says she never goes out on dates. And she is hot as hell, bright, interesting and a talented actress. She said: “I never get asked out. It’s so stupid. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been getting more brazen with flirting, but I don’t think men realize that I’m flirting. They just think, Oh, she’s fun!’”

Singer Madonna arrives at Macy's Herald Square to launch her new fragrance "Truth or Dare By Madonna" on Thursday, April 12, 2012 in New York. (AP Photo/Evan Agostini)

So it appears I’m in good company. I’m not the only one to lament about the lack of dating prospects. Last year, music icon Madonna, also in her 50s, said men her age were simple “undateable.” People who are older, and more set in their ways, are probably not as adventurous as someone younger,” Madonna said. So I guess of Kirstie, Sharon and Madonna share my dating woes I’m pretty much out of luck. I certainly don’t have their talent, looks, connections and not even a fraction of their fortunes. What’s a girl to do? I’ll keep trying and I venture to guess they will too!

In Lust with John Edwards

 

pobwvfeuosdrq4Not that one! I bet you’re thinking about the John Edwards from The Montel Williams Show, Sally Jessie Raphael or the morning talk shows circuits. The John Edwards that speaks to the dead. I’m talking about the other John Edwards, the two-time presidential nominee. Remember him and the sordid scandal?

Here’s a little background: John was married to Elizabeth, the heir to the Heinz family. In 2004, Elizabeth revealed that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. He met Rielle Hunter * in 2006 while she was working on a documentary about him. They began an affair. In 2008 Rielle had a daughter. Well to make matters worse, John Edwards denied being the father of Rielle’s daughter, Frances Quinn Hunter, for over two years before finally admitting to it in 2010. It was a shocking and horrible story all while Elizabeth withered away from cancer. In 2011 a federal grand jury in North Carolina indicted Edwards on six felony charges of violating multiple federal campaign contribution laws to cover up his extramarital affair with his mistress.

After Edwards’ January 21, 2010, admission that he fathered the child with his mistress, Elizabeth legally separated from him and intended to file for divorce. Elizabeth died in 2010 of metastatic breast cancer at age 61.

Now that we’ve got all that straight, let me tell you, John Edwards is one of the most gorgeous men I’ve seen in person. I’ve seen many handsome guys and a few stunners – the true hotties, as in drop dead gorgeous, have been Brad Pitt, Liam Neeson, and believe it or not Don Johnson when he was way younger – around the time of Miami Vice. Hard to believe but true. He was stunning. Liam oozed sexuality but the hottest still remains John Edwards.

I was coming out of the Ritz Carlton in Manhattan one afternoon when he was coming in. We were eye to eye. He smiled and I swooned. I felt like the most beautiful woman on the planet. The only one he cared about or desired. And all it took was to lock eyes with me. He said nothing. Not a word. He just looked at me. If he had invited me that day, I would have gone right up to his room (and I’m not one to drop my drawers for just anyone). I had never felt like that before and I still have not five years later.

john-edwards-240

When I mention this to my mom she said, “He was probably in town for his haircut. You know he goes to Frederik Fekkai and pays hundreds of dollars.” It would make sense why he chose this hotel’s close proximity to Fekkai’s salon, I mused. (I was never able to confirm this but it would make sense. Various sources say he paid from 400.00 from Joseph Torrenueva a Beverly Hills stylist  to 1250.00 for a special house call in Atlanta while on the presidential campaign). And then my mom said, “You’re just his type. He seems to like thin, blonds. Look at that tramp he had the fling with. You’re a gorgeous and very classy version of her!”

Thanks, Mom.

 

UPDATE: This just in, John Edwards is said to be lobbying a U.S. District Judge to play a leading role in the private class action lawsuits against Volkswagen over its widespread emissions scandal, according to a report Tuesday from Reuters. Could this be his come back? A good deed to every Volkswagen owner and the rest of the world? Will we be seeing more of John Edwards? I certainly hope so! Read more here. 

Frederic Fekkai is located at 712 Fifth Avenue in New York City.

Joseph Torrenueva has his own salon at 9601 Wilshire Blvd in Beverly Hills.

*Fun fact: Rielle used to date Jay McInerny, the author of Bright Lights, Big City, who most recently appeared on Gossip Girl in 2008 and 2011 as the writer  Dan Humphrey has an internship with. Jay’s a real life jerk, too. Rielle and Jay deserved each other.

Men Have Bad Dates Too

Quote

the_deadI compared dating notes with a gentleman today. It’s not something I often do because I feel like we’ll become friends instead of each others potential love interests. I have enough friends! I was slightly curious about what this particular man was experiencing so I listened with interest. His three most recent dates, all of which were fix ups, went like this:

DATE #1 She was attractive and things were going pretty well over dinner when she said, “I just want you to know that I communicate with the dead. Your mom, dad and extended family are all here with you. Right now. I can see them.” She wanted to know if he was okay with that because she was working on a book about the subject. He asked if her ex-husband had been on board with the whole speaking to the dead thing. Her reply, “Of course, all three of my husbands were!”4ebe66c0d842e2ca174cf0c975774e55

DATE #2 This too was a blind date but he did see several lovely photos of his date first. She was attractive with unusually long dark hair. He was surprised that a middle age woman would have such beautiful, long, luscious hair He was mesmerized by her photo and really excited about meeting her. He selected an especially romantic place for their date. He sat at the bar anxiously waiting for her arrival. When she finally appeared she looked very different. She had a crew cut. His first reaction was to think she was ill. She claimed she was in good health but had been hounded for years by Locks of Love. She finally caved in and donated her waist long hair.

3848652611_man_behind_Prison_Bars_answer_2_xlargeDATE #3 His third most recent date was going swimmingly when his companion mentioned her ex-husband had been a psychiatrist. He was surprised their mutual friend hadn’t mentioned she was a widow.“I’m sorry. I didn’t know your husband passed away?”

“Oh, no, no, no. He’s alive and well. He just lost his license when he raped a patient.”

His jaw dropped open. She continued, “He was arrested and went to jailed. That’s when I divorced him. When he got out he did it again just two weeks later. I’m surprised you didn’t see it in the news.” 

And I thought I had it tough! We decided between all of our bad, werid and wacko dates combined we should have dinner. The fact that my ex-husband is not a felon, I have a full head long blond hair and I don’t speak to the dead will surely help. Who knows, we may just hit it off…

Looking Forward 2

iphone-phone-social-media-taxi-car-handbag-stocksy-w352My iPhone pinged. It was an email from my date tonight:

I’ll be waiting for you in the bar on the ground floor. When you get to the front desk, just tell them you’re with me (remember, it’s “X”, just in case you confuse me with your countless other Match dates/admirers/fans 🙂 Look forward to seeing you at 6:00pm! It’s a townhouse right next to the construction at “Y”, which is that new apartment complex. – X

I responded: I’ll write it on my hand so I don’t forget. I promise not to blow your cover. ; ) I’m quite confident I’ll be able to find the address but thanks for your help.

His reply: Love your sense of humour. BTW, cell # is 303-555-1212 in case there’s a problem. You can keep your’s a state secret until we meet and you discover that I’m not a weird stalker.

I wasn’t trying to be funny. I was annoyed. Did he think I would fuck up? Get lost? Tell the (I’m certain) gorgeous hostess that I was on a Match.com date? In a flash, I was nervous and my stomach did flip-flops. I remembered that I never had the preliminary phone call that I do with 99% of my Match.com admirers. I find this is an important step – you can learn a lot in a few minutes i.e.. nervousness, stuttering, boring, neurotics, low energy level (think Jeb Bush!), poor education, and lack of mutual interests among other things. Why didn’t I have the mandatory phone call?! Grr….I went back to read his online profile. I immediately saw a few flags I may have missed the first time because I found him handsome, intelligent, and his note so charming:2014-08-24-Redflag

“Ex-wife and sons live in another country, and ready to get out and enjoy my life again after a few years of emotional hibernation…..The truth is that I’ve always been attracted to self-confident, attractive intelligent women and I’m probably more inclined to go with someone closer to my own age, certainly someone who is closer in age to me than my two sons!. A little further down I saw a few more flags:

louis-vuitton-luggageThere are a lot of exceptional women in this city, as I am beginning to learn. I will say that women over a certain age have the charm and elegance of a great French premier cru wine, and as any wine aficionado can attest, when you’ve sampled a superbly complex older vintage, it’s very hard to go back to younger, less mature stuff.. A Portuguese vinho verde might be temporarily refreshing, but it doesn’t enliven the senses the way a great Cos D’Estournel can do. Even though I’ve made mistakes in previous relationships (we’re all human after all), I remain optimistic that I can eventually get it right with the partner who can help me unpack my considerable baggage :-).  51001e8d78458s58987

Why does his profile say he’s looking for woman 30-54 and he’s 55. Hmm… 30 doesn’t sound like his age group. If his daughters are in their mid 20s that would make 30 much closer in age to them than to him. A slightly snooty/elitist wine snob who’s coming out of “emotional hibernation with considerable baggage”? Ugh. I wondered what this one has packed away in his designer luggage? Could he simply be talking about his divorce? Something worse? Jail time, perhaps? Another felon? Mental breakdown, maybe? Manic Episode? Depressive episode?

I suddenly wasn’t looking forward to my date… but then again, this is precisely what I do before each date I go on: I try to talk myself out of the guy before I even leave my home! I pray I’m wrong this time.