New Year Resolution

happy-new-year-2015New Years for many often begin with resolutions. When I started my blog on April 24th 2015. I had a few resolutions of my own:

tumblr_nto9j5ZKi01qg132eo1_540I promised to chronicle my adventures and figure out my sad, little dating situation out.  I’ve talked with nutritionists, doctors, sex therapists, natural practitioners, along with some wonderful women Alba, the Bra Expert from the Town Shop, Tatiana, caught up with Nelsie and Marilyn, my former writing instructors, Janis and Carly Spindel, AKA the dynamic duo of Matchmaking and met many new men. I am proud to say I’ve been to the gynecologist to deal with my “situation” down under. I’ve been writing – not quite as much as I would like – but I did manage to post 44 blog entires. I spent time in both LA and NY, Miami and the Caymans, Boston, Nashville, Montreal, New Haven and the Hamptons. I’m on Twitter and Facebook sharing my stories. And did I mention, I’m dating A LOT!!! All and all, not so bad.

My resolution for 2016 will be as follows:Couples-holding-hands-1
Stay in the present more. Don’t worry about yesterday or tomorrow. Live in the now.
I will try to do more yoga (when the weather got chilly in 2015 I stopped.)
Travel more! Hopefully, I’ll get out to one of my friend’s Dude Ranch, I have a trip planned to Mexico and back to sexy Havana. I’m missing Europe. Perhaps I’l get back to Paris and London with a quick trip to the south of France – one of my favorite places in the world – and maybe somewhere new and exotic, too.
I’d like to read more and blog more and find a literary agent to sell my book. And just maybe, I’ll fall in love. Is that too much to ask???!!!
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 I hope by sharing my story I hope I’ve inspired you, made you laugh, think, and maybe taught you a thing or two. Hopefully, continuing to share my story in 2016 I will encourage other women to keep on using their vaginas or to get back on the horse along with me. Remember, if you don’t use it, you lose it and that would be terrible. Trust me. I wish you all a wonderful 2016! Giddy up!
Love,
Tiny

Beware of Felons

I opened my email: Enjoyed reading your profile. I too am allergic to cats 🙂 Have a nice weekend and Holiday Season. – Bill

Before I responded I read his profile:

I am a very fit, educated and well travelled 48 year old man, who has lived an extraordinary life, but who has also made mistakes and is now starting over. From these mistakes and the resulting consequences, I have learned humility and am thankful for the opportunity to reinvent myself. Daily, I have to be the best man I can be in every aspect of my life, especially in a future relationship. I look forward to getting to know a special woman, with whom there will be love, friendship, trust, laughter, fun and special moments to share; a very special woman who will take a “leap of faith” and look to the future and its potential. To start, a coffee would be nice. Thank you for reading my profile. I wish you joy.

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Wow! What an odd profile. I typed:

“From these mistakes and the resulting consequences” – Wow, what did you do?

He typed back: BTW, you have a great smile 🙂

It figures, no response to my question. My computer chimed again. There was another message from him:

While trying to save my 25 year export management company during the financial crisis, I made a poor choice and consequently was convicted of a white collar felony, spending 21 months in federal prison. I am now a 48 year old man restarting his life, grateful for this second chance. From the day I started my sentence (returned home in Aug. 2014) and everyday since, I work on being the best man I can be intellectually, spiritually, emotionally and physically. Now you know. I wish you a peaceful weekend. – Billo-BEHIND-BARS-FOR-BEING-POOR-facebook

I replied: That makes sense. I figured it was something like that. You are very brave to share that straight off. Most people do not reveal themselves like that even in person – certainly not on the internet! Best of luck to you.

His reply: Thank you. I appreciate your responding. You are obviously a woman of substance with a kind soul; beautiful inside and out. I wish you joy. -Bill

Dating is hard enough. I certainly don’t want to date a felon. Especially an out of town felon. That’s just too much to deal with!

Love or Material?

8589130436533-hands-making-a-heart-in-the-sunset-wallpaper-hdI was talking to a close friend the other day when she mentioned my blog. She said she found it “rather amusing” and “mostly funny” but it was clear she was holding something back. As a newish blogger I really wanted to know what she was withholding so I pushed her to tell me. Turns out she wasn’t pleased with two particular posts – Robert Redford Not and No Offense Patty. She didn’t have to tell me why. I knew immediately what had annoyed her – I could almost hear the words from my recent posts in my head,

Suddenly Robert Redford wasn’t quite as hot. He certainly was not the 5′-11″ he promised in his profile. Now, generally speaking I have no problem with men shorter than myself. In this particular case I am ashamed to say I had this man, based on his photo, profile and pedigree, on a pedestal.

Was that SO bad? Was I being awful? Rude? Mean spirited? And then I thought about the second post. I cringed when I thought of my slightly chubby friend reading the snarky Patty piece. Truth be told, when I was writing the words I knew I was being harsh – maybe even mean.

You should know that most of us don’t want to envision Patty and her husband in bed in that ugly suburban cape in a bed far too small for the two large bodies (yes, I have decided Patty’s husband is also very overweight because he hasn’t been having sex with Patty he’s been frustrated and drinking Pabst by the six-pack and eating processed food including hot dogs, Wonder Bread and Cheese Whiz). And if I’m mistaken and Patty’s husband isn’t overweight (or addicted to crap) he’s probably been hanging out getting lap dances in the local strip club. I’ve got news for you, in either case, he’s most likely not interested in Patty and hasn’t been in a long, long time. There are going to be a lot of lonely women with hopes of rekindling a romance that burned out long ago because of your commercial. I think Heidi Fleiss needs to get her ass in gear and open that Stud Farm she’s been promising to in Vegas. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m judgmental (I am) I just feels like you’re setting up a lot of women for a huge disappointment.

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As I tried to explain to my friend that I was still trying to find the balance in my writing I realized I sounded as If I was making excuses. I knew I hurt her personally when she read the No Offense Patty post. I wanted to disappear I felt so bad. That’s precisely when she asked, “So are you dating to find love or to collect material?” Ouch. Which was it? I said goodbye to my friend and walked home thinking about her question the entire time. Why was I going on these dates? Was I really ready to be in a loving relationship? Or was she right, was I just going through the motions to get good material? No, I wasn’t. If I wanted really good material I would go out with the twenty year olds, or the eighty year olds, or the guys with motorcycles, or four ex wives. I reminded myself that I was simply highly selective. On the other hand, maybe she was right, sometimes it was about the material.

Naturally, as a writer, I try to push my stories a little further to make them more interesting for you, my readers. If I wrote all about the perfectly lovely dates I go on and how every gentleman was so wonderful would my blog be as much fun? I think not. I tried to defend myself. I told her to keep in mind, I’m a relatively new writer. I’ve had two great and very funny writing teachers – Nelsie Spencer and Marilyn Horowitz. Both women were instrumental in helping me make my writing not only better but funnier but alas, I’ve still got a long way to go! When I have time I plan to sign up for Nelsie’s Comedy Writing class at Gotham Writer’s in NYC. Nelsie has had a radio show and even done stand up. I know there is a fine line between funny and mean. Hopefully she can help me learn the difference.

6439973223_d1df2947fbNelsie, my fomer writing coach, is appearing at Stand Up New York on December 30th. Catch her 800 funny bits about being an empty-nester, sex over 50, and how to still be married after 30 years. Email Nelsie at nelsiespencer@yahoo.com to get on the list! Stand Up New York is located at 238 West 78th Street near Broadway. Showtime is 8PM-10PM. Seating begins at 7PM sharp.

The Best for the Breast

Alba 1Alba Salas is a miracle worker. She is the person that celebrities and television shows call when they need an expert. Alba has been working with women’s luxury lingerie/ready to wear apparel for over 25 years. You will probably recognize Alba – a pint size, powerhouse with a sparkling smiling – if you are a fan of The Meredith Vieira Show. She’s been their on camera bra expert since September 2014 and was most recently featured again just last month. Over the years Alba has assisted the likes of Bette Midler and Kathleen Turner to name just a few.

I was at the Town Shop last week where Alba hails as the Breast Support Expert. She is the Best of the Breast! I had been noticing my bras were no longer doing their job for my formerly perky breasts. After a split second with Alba, before I even removed my blouse, I learned that apparently both my bras and my breasts were losing elasticity – not a good combination! I was also wearing the wrong size bra. Alba knew all of this just from first glance – she doesn’t need a tape measure and in many cases she knows the problem before your top comes off and she see your “girls”. I felt like a total idiot until Alba told me that 80% of women are wearing the wrong size bra!

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The shop dressing room was filled with women of all ages and sizes and a model or two all being fitted. The atmosphere was warm, friendly and jovial. If you’re having issues with your breasts or your bras she can help. Whether you need to lift, reduce or maximize, are dealing with back flab, side flab, unruly or asymmetrical breasts, Alba will help you find the perfect fit!
I watched Alba work her magic as a number of women left feeling thinner, taller, smaller, fuller and more confident. The right size bra can do all of those things!
As i tried on the navy blue Wacoal bra Alba chose for me in a 32C she showed me how to adjust my bosom to create the perfect cleavage. As I compliment my youthful  reflection in the full length mirror, Alba stepped back and said, “My job is done.”
Look for Alba on an upcoming segment of The Real Housewives of New York City in 2016!

Over the years, the Town Shop has become the most famous lingerie store in New York City.  They specialize in lingerie, and more specifically and especially the delicate art of fitting by Alba.  This exceptional level of customer service has been the key to our success for over four generations.

The Town Shop carries every type of bra you could be looking for, from sizes AA to K.  They feature an expansive variety of products, including everyday basics, super sexy lingerie, comfy nursing bras and modern maternity wear. The Town Shop also provides a wide selection of swimwear, sleeper, shape wear, hosiery and accessories. They have been named New York Magazine’s “The Best of New York” as the “Best Place to be Fitted for a Bra”. Stop by and you’ll understand why. Say hi to Alba for me!

o-2The Town Shop is located at:

2270 Broadway
New York, NY 10024
Located between 81st and 82nd Street  Phone: 212-724-8160
Monday – Friday        10:00 AM to 7:00 PM
Saturday                      9:30 AM to 6:00 PM
Sunday                      11:00 AM to 6:00 PM

If you’re not in NYC you can find the Town Shop Online at: TownShop.com

Remember – You’ll always have support at The Town Shop!

No Offense Patty

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Dear Osphena,

I’m a fun, fit, fabulous women in Menopause. I live in a big city and do active things. I don’t have a husband (I turned him in a decade ago) or one specific boyfriend. I’m on a dating website, I’m social, and I travel all the time. I like men and sex. I do not look like a lunch lady or an overweight suburban mom. I also don’t look like the over sexualized women in your former commercial. Those poor women trying their hardest to look sexy always reminded me of an aged-out brothel workers showing off their assets in the hopes of catching a client’s attention. I don’t know if that’s just my sick mind, your dumb ad, or exactly what you had in mind when you were sitting around a large conference table brainstorming how you could sell women more prescription pills. How embarrassing for these poor actresses who made those ads. I’m sure you paid them well but not well enough for those few moments of humiliation.

Equally as awful is your new spokesperson, Patty, and her sad little life. Actually, the Patty commercial is even more offensive for a few reasons. You should know that most of us don’t want to envision Patty and her husband in bed in that ugly suburban cape in a bed far too small for the two large bodies (yes, I have decided Patty’s husband is also very overweight because he hasn’t been having sex with Patty he’s been frustrated and drinking Pabst by the six pack and eating processed food including hot dogs, Wonder Bread and Cheese Whiz).

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And if I’m mistaken and Patty’s husband isn’t overweight (or addicted to crap) he’s probably been hanging out getting lap dances in the local strip club. I’ve got news for you, in either case, he’s most likely not interested in Patty and hasn’t been in a long, long time. There are going to be a lot of lonely women with hopes of rekindling a romance that burned out long ago because of your commercial. I think Heidi Fleiss needs to get her ass in gear and open that Stud Farm she’s been promising to in Vegas. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m judgmental (I am) I just feels like you’re setting up a lot of women for a huge disappointment.

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I will say I’m glad you got the conversation started but I’m not happy how Osphena is presenting women. Please stop talking to the men at the ad agency you’re working with or the tween branding team that knows nothing about menopause or grown up women. It’s insulting to viewers to think the average American woman is a morbidly obese and white. Although I am white on the outside, many of us are not Patty.

file_104293_0_100721-woman-yogaAnd to your star:

Dear Patty,

I’m sure you’re a lovely woman. I hope you have a husband who cherishes you and still wants to get it on with you, with or without Osphena. This is just not a conversation I want to have with you. I want to see a woman more like me representing the brand.

Love,
Tiny

P.S. #NoOffensePatty

Charlie Sheen is Not the Only One with H.I.V.

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A stressed, subdued, and tongue-tied Charlie Sheen revealed his H.I.V.-positive status today, saying that he had paid people to keep quiet about his condition in order to put a stop “to this onslaught, this barrage of attacks and of sub-truths and very harmful and mercurial stories that are about me.”

As Charlie said today, “It is a hard three letters to absorb,” The truth is so painful but thank god today we have hope. H.I.V. is no longer a death sentence. To Charlie, and everyone living with H.I.V. or AIDs (or with a family member, spouse, or lover with either of these nasty disease) I light a candle for you. Stay strong. You are not forgotten.

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It’s Made From Horse Urine

 

acl_smiths11It’s amazing when we share with women what kind of feedback we get.  I love opinions when I’m asking for them, not so much when I want to be blissfully unaware of another person’s maybe not so good experiences. When I left my new gynecologist’s office with a prescription in hand for Premarin Cream I nearly skipped to the pharmacy. The hope of restoring my vagina to a more youthful version of days gone past was enough to make me smile from ear to ear. Then I told my girlfriends.

“It’s made from horse urine. How gross is that?”

“The smell is so bad you’re entire home will stink.”

“It gave me cramps.”

“I gained weight when I was using it.”

“It made me bleed. Oh, wait, that was Premarin PILLS.”

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That really put a damper on things. Especially the horse urine comment. It’s funny that I had been making jokes about getting back on the horse and now there would be some parts of a horse inside my vagina. How ironic. And gross. I thought my girlfriends would cheer me on and be proud of me that I was trying to get back in the saddle. Somehow it seemed they were discouraging me instead. Why do some women do that?

I picked up the prescription and decided I was going to be the lucky one. I could open a window or light a candle if there was an odor. I wouldn’t mind a few extra pounds, especially if they want to my breasts or my ass. I even made peace with the horse pee – for god’s sake everyone knows urine is sterile! I prayed I wouldn’t get cramps. I’m going to be the lucky one this time!

I got home and sniffed the cream. NOTHING horsey or pee like at all. As a matter of fact there was no odor whatsoever. What the hell was she talking about?

I’ll let you now what happens.

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The Lonely Yoni

I have a few other tricks up my sleeve while I wait the 12 weeks for the Premarin to kick in. My dear friend Tatiana had been telling me about classes she iss teaching and workshops she is hosting. They were for women — not specifically menopausal women, or even women in my age group, but I was curious. It was time to give her a call and see if she could help out.

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I’ve done yoga before with Rodney Yee and I’ve sweat with Bikram. (Interestingly enough both Yee and Bikram have been accused of sexual misconduct). I’ve had acupuncture. acupressure, reiki, Jin shin jyutsu, I have a mantra from the same guru as Elizabeth
Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame.

So I’ve tried all kinds of things to get my life in order to manage anxiety anger health matters of the heart but I’ve never seen/consulted with anyone (other than my doctors) regarding matters of my vagina There’s a first time for everything!! I was excited and nervous and anxious that she would immediately notice my repressed and “in recovery Catholic girl” sexual energy or in my case, lack of sexual energy. This should be interesting to say the least,

Tatiana, the Love Gypsy, walked through the door of her studio. She is beautiful with a mane of wild black hair.  She resembles a young Penelope Cruz or Salma Hayek (see photo above). She exudes sexuality and feminine energy.  It seeps from every pore of her lovely body.  Although quite a bit shorter than myself, I immediately felt intimated by this beauty until she spoke.  She was kind and friendly and put me at ease all at once.  I knew I was in the right place and she could help.

Tatiana believes that every women, at any age, has the capacity to embody her femininity and awaken her sexual power.  She believes women deserve to feel confident, loved, and comfortable in her sexuality.  She leads women through a journey of self discovery and healing where you will learn how to active your inner goddess within.  You will learn how to connect deeply to your body and feel empowered with your sexuality.  She promises, if you truly desire to open yourself up to life, you have to be open to deeper levels of connection, intimacy and consciousness in yourself.

Tatiana’s workshops and classes are designed specifically to awaken you gradually and effortlessly.  The sensual awakening series combines dance movement with tantra yoga, pelvic floor techniques, breath-work, and gentle touch.  These sessions are designed to open and activate the energy center’s in the body.  Tatiana will teach you how to activate and direct your own sexual energy, so you can create and manifest your desires into reality.  Her workshops will allow you to develop a deep connection with yourself so you can become integrated emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.  You will not only experience a deep connection with your own self but you will then be able to deeply connect with others. When your creative sexual energy has been ignited, you will feel new energy sensations flowing through you.  The more you practice these techniques, the faster you will find your energy becoming integrated and aligned.

I was ready to begin my journey. Come join me!

Tatiana Dellepiane

http://www.sensualawakeningmovement.com

thelovegypsy@facebook.com

thelovegypsy(Twitter)

thelovegypsy(Instagram)

Menopause. Let’s Start the Conversation…

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I went to a new gynecologist today. I’ve traded in my senior citizen, Harvard trained Dr. Jew (I am not being disrespectful this is his name and no, he’s not Jewish) for a 30ish female this time. I told her why I was there from the get go. Who has time to waste? Since no one seems to be talking, let me share the deal and hopefully help you get a conversation started with your doctor. I shared with her my story of a Booty call gone awry. (See my previous post http://worldssmallestvagina.com/2015/05/07/dinner-and-a-booty/)

The conversation went pretty much like this:

“Any questions or concerns?”

“I had, or rather attempted, to have intercourse and the guy said, “it feels like there’s a bone in there.”

I told her about the pain, the dryness, my shrinking vagina and all about the disastrous booty call with my old flame. I had no shame. I was there to be helped.She was a good audience and laughed along with me (even though the story is pathetic and sad) and she considered what would be the best bet for me and my vag. (pronounced Vadge –rhymes with Madge)

“Oh, I’m sorry. What have you tried so far?”

I told her about my former doctor and his recommendation to get a dildo. (See link here. http://worldssmallestvagina.com/2015/10/22/the-d-word/ )
“I’m thinking an estrogen cream will help. The creams, versus the pills, have a very low estrogen level. It’s not the same as HRT or the patch. The cream works locally on the vaginal tissue. They have such low systemic absorption that even woman with cancer can use estrogen creams after their treatments. A lot of the atrophy you’re experiencing is really from the decreased levels of estrogen. What you’re really experiencing is loss of the elasticity. The cream will treat the actual problem. Then you can try the dildo and the lubes and all of that. None of them are helping the actual issue. The estrogen cream will change the tissue so the dildo and the lube will actually help.”

I left with a script for a mammogram (although I read only today the American Medical Association has now changed recommendations and another for PREMARIN http://www.premarinvaginalcream.com. I thought my new doctor would have recommended Osphena since Patty is all over TV describing it’s miraculous benefits.

images-1Apparently, my situation and many other women…. It should be working really well in three months. So by New Years Eve or there after I should be ready to get back on the horse. That gives me a hard deadline, but one I can work with, to find an appropriate mate. I’ll be sure to tell you how the cream is working out as well as my search for a man. Stay tuned!logo