Black Tie

blacktiecouplelgee1377748335569I used to love going to black tie events. A new dress, seeing my hairstylist, getting all spiffed up from top to toe. I no longer care. The meals are often horrible or cold. I have to be nice. I have to spend gobs of money if I want to do it right. And I’m always cold. Yeah, that’s an issue these days and so are shoes. Where some women are lucky enough to get hot flashes, I’ve always been freezing. I can’t go anywhere (eBlack-Tie-1ven in August in Southern California) without a cashmere sweater or a wrap. That’s one of the reasons I prefer Europe in the summer – so many places don’t have and the ones with climatisation is nowhere near as effective as in America for some reason.

So today I received an invitation from a man I had just one date with to a black tie gala event. He said it would be “right up your alley.  Think fun, fashion, creative types and lots of gay guys.”

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Dresses by Andrea Pitter of Pantora http://www.pantorabridal.com

It’s a fundraiser for HIV/AIDS – one of the bigger ones this season. I was tempted but I already was going to the Geoffrey Beene event on Tuesday. Two in one week? I could wear the same get up although there might be some cross over of guests. Did I care?

Maybe my hair and nails would hold out? It kind of sounded like a nice gala with a fashion show AND a trunk sale. Visions of my first date with my ex husband. October NYC Plaza Hotel – the first time I laid eyes on a very young Naomi Campbell. Focus! Do you want to go or not? Ugh, it’s just too much work!

The Police Officer and the Blow Job

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She was my best friend from high school; the wild one, far from the best student, the first to lose her virginity and always dating guys from “the wrong side of the tracks”. We went to college together but she never finished. We remained close, sharing secrets, traveling together and being ridiculously silly. On one such night she talked me into going to some club 45 minutes from her home. It was usually easier to say okay then to decline her invitations. I had an okay time but just as the night was coming to a close she took me to a hole in the wall for pizza. (This friend ALWAYS knew where to find the best food even thousands of miles away). I will never forget the pizza I had that night. I never knew there was such a thing – lasagna pizza. Loaded with meat and spaghetti, it was heavenly after a late night of drinking.

Lasagna-Pizza-3-from-willcookforsmiles.com_We got back in her car and she began the long drive home. I felt sorry for her. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was doze off but I wouldn’t do that to a friend. I stayed awake and chatted away about ridiculous things. I cracked the windows open and blasted Bon Jovi to keep her alert. The roads were dark and empty which made it even worse. We were flying down the highway when we saw the lights. We hadn’t heard the sirens with the music blasting. Fuck.

“Be cool.” said my friend.57279095

Be cool? I immediately turned off the radio, adjusted my seat belt, slapped my face and sat up straight. My friend rolled down the driver’s window.

“Good evening, Ma’am”

“Hi.”

Hi? Ugh doesn’t she know any better? I leaned forward and peered up to the officer and cheerily said, “Good evening, Sir.” with a sweet smile hoping he would forgive my girlfriends lack of respect.

“License and registration, please.”

She handed over the papers without a word.

“Have you ladies been drinking this evening?”

“No, we were at a baby shower,” replied my friend.

A baby shower? It was after 3:00am. I could see him glance over at my sheer black hose and stiletto pumps. My dress was so short and tight it was bunched up under my ass. The police officer looked annoyed.

“Did you know that your rear headlight is out and you were doing 78 in a 55 mile zone. I’m going to have to give you a ticket?”

maxresdefault“Sir, can’t we just make this all go away?”

I wondered what in god names my girlfriend was up too now. Didnt she know how to speak to a police officer? Didnt she know bribery was  against the law?!

“If I give you a blow job can we just forget about everything.”

Fuck! We’re going to jail tonight is all I could think. Why did I agree to go out with this nut job? Would I be in trouble by association? My mother always warned me about that as a kid. I was sobering up real fast as I wondered who my one call should be to once I was behind bars. Did I know any lawyers? I sat back in my seat. I wasn’t getting involved in this situation. I would plead innocent because I was.

And then my friend said,”Jimmy it’s me, Carey Masterson, from high school.”

They had a good chuckle while I had a small heart attack.

In Good Company

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Kirstie Alley and I think alike. Although she’s 12 years my senior and has been struggling with weight ups and downs for decades she’s not impressed by her selection of men. Seems she’s met a lot of the same sort of characters that I have!

The 64-year-old actress recently told Entertainment Tonight about her dating dilemma as a woman over 50. “I wanted to say something to men over 45. Don’t be so freaking boring!” Alley said. “Don’t have the life already sucked out of you.” She too would like to do everything in her power to avoid dating much younger men.

Alley announce081415_stone2_450d that she was ready to “hook up,” after her most recent weight loss. Here’s what she said about dating dull men her age,

“All it does is leave women to date young men and be really embarrassed, because we are dating guys in tank tops,” Alley continued.” I want some men around my age that aren’t boring, and act like they are tired.”

Believe it or not, even Sharon Stone, the absolutely gorgeous Casino actress, says she never goes out on dates. And she is hot as hell, bright, interesting and a talented actress. She said: “I never get asked out. It’s so stupid. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been getting more brazen with flirting, but I don’t think men realize that I’m flirting. They just think, Oh, she’s fun!’”

Singer Madonna arrives at Macy's Herald Square to launch her new fragrance "Truth or Dare By Madonna" on Thursday, April 12, 2012 in New York. (AP Photo/Evan Agostini)

So it appears I’m in good company. I’m not the only one to lament about the lack of dating prospects. Last year, music icon Madonna, also in her 50s, said men her age were simple “undateable.” People who are older, and more set in their ways, are probably not as adventurous as someone younger,” Madonna said. So I guess of Kirstie, Sharon and Madonna share my dating woes I’m pretty much out of luck. I certainly don’t have their talent, looks, connections and not even a fraction of their fortunes. What’s a girl to do? I’ll keep trying and I venture to guess they will too!

In Lust with John Edwards

 

pobwvfeuosdrq4Not that one! I bet you’re thinking about the John Edwards from The Montel Williams Show, Sally Jessie Raphael or the morning talk shows circuits. The John Edwards that speaks to the dead. I’m talking about the other John Edwards, the two-time presidential nominee. Remember him and the sordid scandal?

Here’s a little background: John was married to Elizabeth, the heir to the Heinz family. In 2004, Elizabeth revealed that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. He met Rielle Hunter * in 2006 while she was working on a documentary about him. They began an affair. In 2008 Rielle had a daughter. Well to make matters worse, John Edwards denied being the father of Rielle’s daughter, Frances Quinn Hunter, for over two years before finally admitting to it in 2010. It was a shocking and horrible story all while Elizabeth withered away from cancer. In 2011 a federal grand jury in North Carolina indicted Edwards on six felony charges of violating multiple federal campaign contribution laws to cover up his extramarital affair with his mistress.

After Edwards’ January 21, 2010, admission that he fathered the child with his mistress, Elizabeth legally separated from him and intended to file for divorce. Elizabeth died in 2010 of metastatic breast cancer at age 61.

Now that we’ve got all that straight, let me tell you, John Edwards is one of the most gorgeous men I’ve seen in person. I’ve seen many handsome guys and a few stunners – the true hotties, as in drop dead gorgeous, have been Brad Pitt, Liam Neeson, and believe it or not Don Johnson when he was way younger – around the time of Miami Vice. Hard to believe but true. He was stunning. Liam oozed sexuality but the hottest still remains John Edwards.

I was coming out of the Ritz Carlton in Manhattan one afternoon when he was coming in. We were eye to eye. He smiled and I swooned. I felt like the most beautiful woman on the planet. The only one he cared about or desired. And all it took was to lock eyes with me. He said nothing. Not a word. He just looked at me. If he had invited me that day, I would have gone right up to his room (and I’m not one to drop my drawers for just anyone). I had never felt like that before and I still have not five years later.

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When I mention this to my mom she said, “He was probably in town for his haircut. You know he goes to Frederik Fekkai and pays hundreds of dollars.” It would make sense why he chose this hotel’s close proximity to Fekkai’s salon, I mused. (I was never able to confirm this but it would make sense. Various sources say he paid from 400.00 from Joseph Torrenueva a Beverly Hills stylist  to 1250.00 for a special house call in Atlanta while on the presidential campaign). And then my mom said, “You’re just his type. He seems to like thin, blonds. Look at that tramp he had the fling with. You’re a gorgeous and very classy version of her!”

Thanks, Mom.

 

UPDATE: This just in, John Edwards is said to be lobbying a U.S. District Judge to play a leading role in the private class action lawsuits against Volkswagen over its widespread emissions scandal, according to a report Tuesday from Reuters. Could this be his come back? A good deed to every Volkswagen owner and the rest of the world? Will we be seeing more of John Edwards? I certainly hope so! Read more here. 

Frederic Fekkai is located at 712 Fifth Avenue in New York City.

Joseph Torrenueva has his own salon at 9601 Wilshire Blvd in Beverly Hills.

*Fun fact: Rielle used to date Jay McInerny, the author of Bright Lights, Big City, who most recently appeared on Gossip Girl in 2008 and 2011 as the writer  Dan Humphrey has an internship with. Jay’s a real life jerk, too. Rielle and Jay deserved each other.

Men Have Bad Dates Too

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the_deadI compared dating notes with a gentleman today. It’s not something I often do because I feel like we’ll become friends instead of each others potential love interests. I have enough friends! I was slightly curious about what this particular man was experiencing so I listened with interest. His three most recent dates, all of which were fix ups, went like this:

DATE #1 She was attractive and things were going pretty well over dinner when she said, “I just want you to know that I communicate with the dead. Your mom, dad and extended family are all here with you. Right now. I can see them.” She wanted to know if he was okay with that because she was working on a book about the subject. He asked if her ex-husband had been on board with the whole speaking to the dead thing. Her reply, “Of course, all three of my husbands were!”4ebe66c0d842e2ca174cf0c975774e55

DATE #2 This too was a blind date but he did see several lovely photos of his date first. She was attractive with unusually long dark hair. He was surprised that a middle age woman would have such beautiful, long, luscious hair He was mesmerized by her photo and really excited about meeting her. He selected an especially romantic place for their date. He sat at the bar anxiously waiting for her arrival. When she finally appeared she looked very different. She had a crew cut. His first reaction was to think she was ill. She claimed she was in good health but had been hounded for years by Locks of Love. She finally caved in and donated her waist long hair.

3848652611_man_behind_Prison_Bars_answer_2_xlargeDATE #3 His third most recent date was going swimmingly when his companion mentioned her ex-husband had been a psychiatrist. He was surprised their mutual friend hadn’t mentioned she was a widow.“I’m sorry. I didn’t know your husband passed away?”

“Oh, no, no, no. He’s alive and well. He just lost his license when he raped a patient.”

His jaw dropped open. She continued, “He was arrested and went to jailed. That’s when I divorced him. When he got out he did it again just two weeks later. I’m surprised you didn’t see it in the news.” 

And I thought I had it tough! We decided between all of our bad, werid and wacko dates combined we should have dinner. The fact that my ex-husband is not a felon, I have a full head long blond hair and I don’t speak to the dead will surely help. Who knows, we may just hit it off…

Looking Forward 2

iphone-phone-social-media-taxi-car-handbag-stocksy-w352My iPhone pinged. It was an email from my date tonight:

I’ll be waiting for you in the bar on the ground floor. When you get to the front desk, just tell them you’re with me (remember, it’s “X”, just in case you confuse me with your countless other Match dates/admirers/fans 🙂 Look forward to seeing you at 6:00pm! It’s a townhouse right next to the construction at “Y”, which is that new apartment complex. – X

I responded: I’ll write it on my hand so I don’t forget. I promise not to blow your cover. ; ) I’m quite confident I’ll be able to find the address but thanks for your help.

His reply: Love your sense of humour. BTW, cell # is 303-555-1212 in case there’s a problem. You can keep your’s a state secret until we meet and you discover that I’m not a weird stalker.

I wasn’t trying to be funny. I was annoyed. Did he think I would fuck up? Get lost? Tell the (I’m certain) gorgeous hostess that I was on a Match.com date? In a flash, I was nervous and my stomach did flip-flops. I remembered that I never had the preliminary phone call that I do with 99% of my Match.com admirers. I find this is an important step – you can learn a lot in a few minutes i.e.. nervousness, stuttering, boring, neurotics, low energy level (think Jeb Bush!), poor education, and lack of mutual interests among other things. Why didn’t I have the mandatory phone call?! Grr….I went back to read his online profile. I immediately saw a few flags I may have missed the first time because I found him handsome, intelligent, and his note so charming:2014-08-24-Redflag

“Ex-wife and sons live in another country, and ready to get out and enjoy my life again after a few years of emotional hibernation…..The truth is that I’ve always been attracted to self-confident, attractive intelligent women and I’m probably more inclined to go with someone closer to my own age, certainly someone who is closer in age to me than my two sons!. A little further down I saw a few more flags:

louis-vuitton-luggageThere are a lot of exceptional women in this city, as I am beginning to learn. I will say that women over a certain age have the charm and elegance of a great French premier cru wine, and as any wine aficionado can attest, when you’ve sampled a superbly complex older vintage, it’s very hard to go back to younger, less mature stuff.. A Portuguese vinho verde might be temporarily refreshing, but it doesn’t enliven the senses the way a great Cos D’Estournel can do. Even though I’ve made mistakes in previous relationships (we’re all human after all), I remain optimistic that I can eventually get it right with the partner who can help me unpack my considerable baggage :-).  51001e8d78458s58987

Why does his profile say he’s looking for woman 30-54 and he’s 55. Hmm… 30 doesn’t sound like his age group. If his daughters are in their mid 20s that would make 30 much closer in age to them than to him. A slightly snooty/elitist wine snob who’s coming out of “emotional hibernation with considerable baggage”? Ugh. I wondered what this one has packed away in his designer luggage? Could he simply be talking about his divorce? Something worse? Jail time, perhaps? Another felon? Mental breakdown, maybe? Manic Episode? Depressive episode?

I suddenly wasn’t looking forward to my date… but then again, this is precisely what I do before each date I go on: I try to talk myself out of the guy before I even leave my home! I pray I’m wrong this time.

Looking Forward

10This is the first time in a awhile I can remember actually looking forward to a date. Most first dates feel like a chore to me. I’ve been on an awful (and some were truly AWFUL!) lot of dates. I’m often called The Queen fo First Dates by my friends. It’s no longer fun. I often feel like I’m going on a job interview not hoping to find the love of my life.

LEICESTER, UNITED KINGDOM - MARCH 08: Queen Elizabeth II during her visit to Leicester on March 8, 2012 in Leicester, England. The royal visit to Leicester marks the first date of Queen Elizabeth II's Diamond Jubilee tour of the UK between March 8 and July 25, 2012. (Photo by Rui Vieira - WPA Pool/Getty Images)

I’m picky – if you’re a frequent reader you know that by now. I’m also a scaredy cat – you may have figured that out, too. So I have two upcoming dates: one is a fix up the second is a Match.com date.

1953: Belgian-born actor Audrey Hepburn (1929 - 1993) wears a tiara in a headshot still from director William Wyler's film 'Roman Holiday'. (Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images)The Match,com date dude is not American which is a plus for me. I like dating foreign men, they always add something interesting to the conversation and all of the international men I have dated were confident, well-educated and charming. So many American men of a certain age seem to have ED, lack confidence, have a lot of health issues, anxiety and/or depression. Maybe that’s what leads to the ED -the multitude of medications many take can often make matters worse down below.

I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to wear – jeans or cream-colored tailored pants. Should I wear a cozy sweater, a low cut top or a blouse? High heels, flats or boots? Or should I wear a fun dress? Eeeek!

Anyway, I am meeting the first fellow at his gorgeous private club. It’s not a snooty, snobby, fancy pants one that makes you wear a dress, a hat or little white gloves. It’s more of a hipster/artists/creative type international atmosphere from what I’ve heard and read.

My date seems funny and smart and well-traveled, lives in my favorite neighborhood and loves to write. I’m crossing my fingers that he’s a good one. You can bet I’ll let you know if he is!

 

 

New Year Resolution

happy-new-year-2015New Years for many often begin with resolutions. When I started my blog on April 24th 2015. I had a few resolutions of my own:

tumblr_nto9j5ZKi01qg132eo1_540I promised to chronicle my adventures and figure out my sad, little dating situation out.  I’ve talked with nutritionists, doctors, sex therapists, natural practitioners, along with some wonderful women Alba, the Bra Expert from the Town Shop, Tatiana, caught up with Nelsie and Marilyn, my former writing instructors, Janis and Carly Spindel, AKA the dynamic duo of Matchmaking and met many new men. I am proud to say I’ve been to the gynecologist to deal with my “situation” down under. I’ve been writing – not quite as much as I would like – but I did manage to post 44 blog entires. I spent time in both LA and NY, Miami and the Caymans, Boston, Nashville, Montreal, New Haven and the Hamptons. I’m on Twitter and Facebook sharing my stories. And did I mention, I’m dating A LOT!!! All and all, not so bad.

My resolution for 2016 will be as follows:Couples-holding-hands-1
Stay in the present more. Don’t worry about yesterday or tomorrow. Live in the now.
I will try to do more yoga (when the weather got chilly in 2015 I stopped.)
Travel more! Hopefully, I’ll get out to one of my friend’s Dude Ranch, I have a trip planned to Mexico and back to sexy Havana. I’m missing Europe. Perhaps I’l get back to Paris and London with a quick trip to the south of France – one of my favorite places in the world – and maybe somewhere new and exotic, too.
I’d like to read more and blog more and find a literary agent to sell my book. And just maybe, I’ll fall in love. Is that too much to ask???!!!
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 I hope by sharing my story I hope I’ve inspired you, made you laugh, think, and maybe taught you a thing or two. Hopefully, continuing to share my story in 2016 I will encourage other women to keep on using their vaginas or to get back on the horse along with me. Remember, if you don’t use it, you lose it and that would be terrible. Trust me. I wish you all a wonderful 2016! Giddy up!
Love,
Tiny