The Lonely Yoni

I have a few other tricks up my sleeve while I wait the 12 weeks for the Premarin to kick in. My dear friend Tatiana had been telling me about classes she iss teaching and workshops she is hosting. They were for women — not specifically menopausal women, or even women in my age group, but I was curious. It was time to give her a call and see if she could help out.

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I’ve done yoga before with Rodney Yee and I’ve sweat with Bikram. (Interestingly enough both Yee and Bikram have been accused of sexual misconduct). I’ve had acupuncture. acupressure, reiki, Jin shin jyutsu, I have a mantra from the same guru as Elizabeth
Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame.

So I’ve tried all kinds of things to get my life in order to manage anxiety anger health matters of the heart but I’ve never seen/consulted with anyone (other than my doctors) regarding matters of my vagina There’s a first time for everything!! I was excited and nervous and anxious that she would immediately notice my repressed and “in recovery Catholic girl” sexual energy or in my case, lack of sexual energy. This should be interesting to say the least,

Tatiana, the Love Gypsy, walked through the door of her studio. She is beautiful with a mane of wild black hair.  She resembles a young Penelope Cruz or Salma Hayek (see photo above). She exudes sexuality and feminine energy.  It seeps from every pore of her lovely body.  Although quite a bit shorter than myself, I immediately felt intimated by this beauty until she spoke.  She was kind and friendly and put me at ease all at once.  I knew I was in the right place and she could help.

Tatiana believes that every women, at any age, has the capacity to embody her femininity and awaken her sexual power.  She believes women deserve to feel confident, loved, and comfortable in her sexuality.  She leads women through a journey of self discovery and healing where you will learn how to active your inner goddess within.  You will learn how to connect deeply to your body and feel empowered with your sexuality.  She promises, if you truly desire to open yourself up to life, you have to be open to deeper levels of connection, intimacy and consciousness in yourself.

Tatiana’s workshops and classes are designed specifically to awaken you gradually and effortlessly.  The sensual awakening series combines dance movement with tantra yoga, pelvic floor techniques, breath-work, and gentle touch.  These sessions are designed to open and activate the energy center’s in the body.  Tatiana will teach you how to activate and direct your own sexual energy, so you can create and manifest your desires into reality.  Her workshops will allow you to develop a deep connection with yourself so you can become integrated emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.  You will not only experience a deep connection with your own self but you will then be able to deeply connect with others. When your creative sexual energy has been ignited, you will feel new energy sensations flowing through you.  The more you practice these techniques, the faster you will find your energy becoming integrated and aligned.

I was ready to begin my journey. Come join me!

Tatiana Dellepiane

http://www.sensualawakeningmovement.com

thelovegypsy@facebook.com

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You Can’t Touch That

http://victorspinelli.com

Victor Spinelli

I don’t like anyone touching my ass. I just don’t. Why is that so hard to comprehend? I have many other soft and lovely areas you can touch. I read a Cosmo article years ago that said something to the effect that when a man touches a certain part of your body he’s trying to tell you that he wants to be touched there. Don’t play that game with me! Just fucking tell me when we get started, or put my hand on your ass. You could let out a moan just to be sure I get the message. Better yet, send me a text the night before. Please just leave my ass out of the equation or I may start singing MC Hammer’s, You Can’t Touch That which I promise will kill the mood.

My disgust of anyone touching the interiors of my ass, ie. my rectum, may have begun decades ago, when I was still a naive teenager, I had a gastroenterologist who gave me my first rectal exam. The pain was excrutiating. As he shoved his finger in me like a hand puppet I could feel him press against my body. There was something hard in his pocket. I tried to imagine what it was, a flashlight, a roll of quarters, a screw driver. It took me years of him doing this before I realized what he was up to – I did say I was naive. I was also a late bloomer. Perhaps this is the reason I’m sickened when anyone comes near my ass. It makes me think of Doctor Allen. To this day, I especially can’t stand it when my current doctor will say, “We should do a rectal.” I respond with my standard response, “Nope not interested. I don’t do that.” Of course she always respond,“Well, you know we should at your age.“ At my last annual exam I had to go through the same discussion yet again and this doctor knows me well. I finally said, “Please write on my file, DO NOT ask if patient wants a rectal exam – patient will refuse. I’ll even sign it if you want.”

Doctor, boyfriend, lover, husband, I just didn’t want anyone up my ass. All kinds of things happen in that vicinity and trust me none of them are pretty. Just ask comedian Amy Schumer of Milk, Milk, Lemonade fame or better yet play her video. Lyrics below:

Milk, milk, lemonade, Milk, milk, lemonade, Milk, milk, lemonade, 

‘Round the corner, fudge is made, I used to think that my tits was where it’s at, Used to be concerned that my booty was too fat, But now I know the truth and that worry has been shot, Big booty’s what they want and big booty’s what I got, Tits are old news if you know what I mean, All the guys love my fudge machine, Look me in the eye, Get your face in, don’t be shy, You say you don’t like asses, Cause I fart and break your glasses, 

Turd cutter, Loaf pitcher, Dookie maker, Fudge machine, Cheaptastic, Booty mastiff, Giant tuchus, Fudge machine, All my booty empire, the sun never set, Take a shot, yeah, nothin’ but net, images-5

Milk, milk, lemonade, ‘Round the corner, fudge is made,I’m gonna make you scream and shout, For the part of my body where poo comes out, 

This is where my poo comes out, This is where my poo comes out, This is where my poo comes out, This is where my poo comes out.

Talkin’ ’bout my fudge machine, Talkin’ ’bout my fudge machine, Talkin’ ’bout my fudge machine, Talkin’ ’bout my fudge machine,

Voice over by Method Man: That’s right, ladies, Ain’t nothing better than a big, beautiful sexy booty. But bottom line, no matter how fond a behind, You better call that onion what it really is, That’s just a fudge machine, Turn up.

This is where her poo comes out, This is where your poo comes out, This is where their poo comes out, This is where our poo comes out

This is what you think is hot, This is what you think is hot, This is what you think is hot, Talkin bout my fudge machine

Voice over by Method Man: It’s where your poo comes out

I nearly peed out of my lemonade machine when I heard this. When will pop culture’s obsession with the derrière quit? Not soon enough for me AND I have a nice ass.

Enter Amy Schumer with “Milk, Milk, Lemonade,” an LOL-worthy parody of all those butt-loving songs as a promo for the third season of “Inside Amy Schumer.” 

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