Breaking Up is Hard to Do!

rest-jumboI’d been ready to break up with this guy for three weeks. He said something dumb, really passive aggressive relating to my intelligence over dinner. I ran to the ladies room and was as sick as a dog. It wasn’t from the Artisanal agnolotti filled with ricotta and Italian pumpkin, in a walnut and butter sauce we shared,the bottle of Sancerre, the Chef’s risotto del giornoor the Bigné filled with hazelnut cream and wild berry sauce. It was my date that was making me ill. My gut was telling me loud and clear this guy was not for me.black-bathroom-design_5

I returned from the lady’s room a good 15 minutes later and said I was very sick and needed to go home. After a dinner like this I’m sure this was not the ending to our evening that he was hoping for!

I knew I needed to break up with him. I consulted with my girlfriend,

“It’s not fair to break it off right before Christmas.”

Her response, “So basically you’re saying you want a gift?”gift-box

“Not at all!” I argued.

“So then you need to do it now, before.”

With time running out I wondered out loud how I should do it; text, email, phone call or the most dreaded – in person.

“Well, since you have a mutual friend and you live in the same neighborhood you potentially could bump into each other again. You need to do it in person.”

In the meantime, I took hours to call him back or ignored his text message. I acted disinterested whenever we spoke. His numerous text messages were filled with even more hearts, smiles and balloons, his voice was as upbeat as usual. He didn’t have a clue. Finally it was the day. I thought about canceling or sending him an email instead. I didn’t. I marched over to his home in the pouring rain each step with more dread.

He was freshly shower in a beautiful pressed shirt and oh so happy to see me after nearly three weeks apart. I felt like a bitch. He was a good guy, a generous guy, a pleaser with a successful company. He wanted to take me away. Why was I letting him go? I reminded myself that he drove me crazy and had an inferiority complex. He poured me wine, he asked if I was hungry and then he practically put me on his lap. Finally it was over.

I called my girlfriend on the walk home.

hostile-takeover-big-fish“It was 90 minutes of hell.”

“You stayed that long?”

I explained that I felt I had to. The guy had been through and awful divorce which came out of left field, he was having issues with his son and his best friend. Things were not good. I wanted to stay and answer his questions about why I was breaking up with him. I did what every woman i know wants, I gave him answers. I even brought him a chocolate muffins from the best pastry shop – a parting gift.

 

“Did he cry?”

“I saw him wipe his eye.”

“Was he hamming it up or holding it in.”

“I don’t even know but I ventured to guess he was crushed. It always hurts when it’s a surprise.”

As I was finally done and extracting myself from his couch he asked, 

“Do you find me attractive?”

What was I going to say no when I was breaking up with him? Truth be told he was tall, dark and handsome and went to the gym every day – not an ounce of body fat. So i said, Yes, of course. And then 0008-Sony-Artisans-of-Imageryhe leaned in for a kiss and asked,“So could we still see each other?”I kissed him on the lips and laughed. Not one to give up easily he asked, “Do you want me to walk you home?”

By the time I got home there was a text message from him. UGHHH!!!! The next time I break up with someone I’m sending a letter – not a text message or an email, a real letter with a stamp.

 

 

 

Update: He sent my a very expensive holiday gift from Saks and a large bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream.

I Have a Boyfriend

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Here is another great piece by my dear friend @AmyDetRiotGirl . Gotta love the honesty!

Sometimes men ask me why women are so scared to give our numbers out. I would think that the answer to this would be obvious, but since there still seem to be people out there who think that women are just being uppity or cold by not wanting to share the digits, I thought I’d share a few of my worst stories on this topic.

• “I have a boyfriend”

A friend of mine and I were waiting for a transfer one night out at Broadway Junction. He fell asleep on me, while I stayed up and played games on my cell phone. As I sat there minding my own business, a man approached me and said “hey baby girl, how’s you night?”

I said “it’s fine. I’m trying to beat this level.”

He said “oh well, if you want to stop for a minute, I’d really like to say hi and maybe get your number.”

I said “I’m in the middle of this level. I’m sorry, but I’m trying to concentrate right now.”

He said “girl, that’s just a game. I’m offering you something better.”

I said “no, really. I want to finish this level. And, anyway, I have a boyfriend.” as I pointed to my friend, who helpfully started snoring as he rolled over on my shoulder.

And, here it comes, the most dumbfounding response ever… “But, baby… HE’S ASLEEP.”

😳😳😳😳 ‪#‎AreYouSerious‬

Meet Rip Van Dinkle, Smallest Penis Contestant

 

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It’s that time of year again! The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant is scheduled for Saturday, June 13th at 2:30 p.m. at the Kings County Saloon in Bushwick, Brooklyn. We had the opportunity to speak with one of the previous contestants, Rip Van Dinkle, from the very first contest back in 2013. He was very candid. Keep in mind that this event most likely will be full house with lines down the block like past years. Get there early! If you can’t make it, also on June 13th, The Man with No Penis airs at 10PM on Discovery Life Channel. Turns out June 13th is a big night for the PENIS!

When did you realize you had a small penis?

I think probably about the same time most boys with little ones realize it: in the junior high school locker-room, where you can compare sizes to other boys your age.

Is your penis technically a micro penis?

No, I don’t believe so. I am just under two inches limp, just under three inches in girth. I’m no expert, but from what I’ve read the true micro penis is smaller than that.

Have you seen a doctor about this condition?

I have not really seen the need to see a doctor. A small penis can be embarrassing, but I don’t really think of it as a physical disability. Besides, plenty of doctors have seen me naked, and none of them (male and female) have suggested any sort of remedy.

Did women ever mention your small penis?

Not to my face. When I was getting divorced, there were some heated arguments with my ex, Amy, during which she accused me of being “unimaginative” or “unadventurous” or something like that, in bed, and I believe she implied that she’d had lovers with bigger penises than mine. I sometimes wonder if she thinks my participating in this small-penis pageant is “imaginative” or “adventurous.”

What did they say?

After the first pageant in 2013, there was a great deal of discussion about it in chat rooms and on message boards. I was startled to stumble on a site called “café moms” or “moms’ café,” something like that, in which my genitals became the subject of a lengthy discussion. One “mom” had posted a close-up picture of my groin (taken at the pageant), and left this comment: “Where are his balls?!?!” There followed a lengthy back-and-forth between women on the site, including medical discussion of the tendency of testicles to ascend and descend up and down between the scrotum and the pelvic cavity. Each time a woman would comment, that giant close-up of my balls would appear. The women all seemed to agree that my nuts were lacking (I can’t argue). Many of the women seemed to be having a good time, at poor “Rip van Dinkle’s” expense. But it was a surreal, bizarre experience to visit this bulletin board. I can’t imagine any of those women making those comments to my face.

To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never had a woman ask me, “Is it in yet?” Maybe they were just being polite. On the other hand, my penis is small enough that I’ve had it fall out of the vagina during intercourse, at which point the woman usually reaches down and inserts my penis with her hand. A more appropriate question at that point might be, “Is it still in?”

Did boys in the locker room at school/camp notice your small penis?

I’m sure they did, but I can’t honestly recall any insults (that was a long time ago for me). I do recall teasing of the boys with BIG penises.

Did they call you names?

If they did, I can no longer recall.

How did you hear about the smallest penis contest?

I read about it in The Huffington Post back in the spring of 2013. I thought, “I have a small penis, and this sounds like a hilarious blast. I should enter.” And so I contacted Aimee Arciuolo, the Kings County Bar manager who created the event, and she urged me to enter.

Are you local to the Brooklyn area?

No, I am from Minnesota. I fly in for the pageant. You don’t have to be from Brooklyn to participate. Last year’s winner is from India.

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Is this a fun event?

Extremely fun. If you want a better idea of the pageant, just Google it and you’ll find dozens of stories with pictures. Or you could check out my Tumblr page, but beware because I’ve included not-safe-for-work pictures there.

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Is it more about humiliation?

I think there are two kinds of people who attend the event: people who are anti-body shaming, who are there to celebrate us and have a good time; and people who enjoy seeing men with little peckers get publicly humiliated. The second group will no doubt enjoy this year’s pageant, in which judges are expected to measure our “manhoods” on stage and then announce the sizes. I don’t really have a problem with either group. It seems to me that women have been exploited in topless bars, wet T-shirt contests, etc. for many years, so if some women see this as “payback” in which we males are exploited, that seems fair to me.

If you visit some Facebook or Twitter pages in which the contest is being discussed, you’ll see that quite a few women say they plan to attend the pageant to “laugh at little dicks,” and to take pictures that they can share with friends. I did a podcast with a woman, Rachel Khona, who admits on her blog that she would never consider sleeping with a small-dicked man, and that she and her friend went to last year’s pageant just to giggle at little cocks and the men who have them. Again, this doesn’t really bother me.

I also have nieces and female co-workers, past and present, who could read about this and see the pictures of me. I suppose if any of them ever mention it to me, that could be an awkward conversation.

Did anything good come out of your participation in the event?

I took second place, so there was no money, and I immediately flew home to Minnesota, so there were no dates or media events for me. But I’m doing it again this year simply because it was so much fun. If you can deal with the after-pageant mockery in some Internet chat rooms, and countless pictures of your nudity on the Web, I highly recommend it.

Have you gotten any dates because of your small penis?

Lol, not really. I don’t think anyone here in the Midwest knows that I was in the pageant, and unless they have x-ray vision, they have no idea how small my penis is.

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I hear you are participating again this year. I guess you had fun last year!

Actually, I was in the pageant two years ago, the inaugural event. But yes, it was a blast.

What is the biggest struggle you have?

I have the same struggles that most people have, but I don’t believe that any of them are related to my penis size. For example: I’ve been trying to get a date with “Tiny” from this blog, but haven’t had any luck.

What’s the best part of having a small penis? And the worst?

If I’m being honest, I can’t deny that I would prefer to have a bigger penis. A lot of women say that small penises don’t bother them, but it can bother the man himself, psychologically. But it does get better as you get older. Twenty years ago I wouldn’t have dreamed of entering a contest like this one in Brooklyn. Now, I actually enjoy it.

If I have any penis-related issues, they have more to do with age than with size. It’s true, for example, that a guy my age has more trouble getting it up, maintaining an erection, smaller semen production, etc.

Name: John Haakenson (Rip van Dinkle in the pageant). Age: 57. Live in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Divorced, no kids. Freelance writer and editor.

Twitter –  @RipvanDinkle1

Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/ripvandinkle

Tumblr – http://ripvandinkle.tumblr.com/

First Date Advice for Men

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I’ve had some really lame first dates even though I try to be really thorough screening potential suitors. Some people are great on the phone and via text. I’ve found you never really know if you did a good job until you spend an evening together. So here are some of my very random DOs and DON’Ts.

Never order venison on a first date. I do not wish to watch you eat Bambi.  (If you do, I promise there will be no second date/ Unless of course youa re Anthony Bourdain and then I would watch you drink kitten blood while you scarfed down foie gras.)

Do not talk about your ex-wife. I do not care. I may not even care about you by dessert.

Do not wear a dirty sweater. If you want to wear an ugly sweater that is your business. Dirty is unacceptable.

Just to let you in on a fashion tip, pleated pants have gone out of style.

Cut your nails before a date. Yes, even your pinky nail! A single long nail is not cool. It was never cool.

Brush your teeth. Remove any toothpaste residue.

Check your zipper before I arrive.

Do not wear sneakers if you are over the age of 12 and it is an evening date. Before 6pm is acceptable.

Do not schedule a date at 5:40 when you only have a block of 20 minutes between appointments.

Do not plan an “active” date ie. Samba dancing, golf, or a walk (anywhere) without mentioning it in advance. Quite often women wear high heels or have no interest in the activities your therapist has recommended to help ease your anxiety.

Do not talk about your ex wife. I don’t care.

I think it’s great you have kids. I actually love kids. Today I want to learn about you and see if I would like to have a second date.

Leave your phone in your pocket. Or if you cannot do that even for the duration of our date, mention you are expecting an important call or you need to be available in case your kids might call. I’ll feel better about it.

Do not compare me to anyone. You do not know anything about me yet.

Do not tell me a story about your ex bother-in-laws sister’s housekeeper’s foster daughter’s son who I will never meet. I DO NOT care.

Do not ask me about what I did after I graduated from college, It was decades ago. I have been at least five other women since then.

If it’s raining, snowing, hailing, or below 12 degrees do not offer to walk me home. I will be taking a cab and you will not be in it.

Please do not push me up against a cold granite wall, shove your tongue in my mouth and your hands down my pants. I am not bringing you home. We’ll maybe I would if it was the third date and I was really into you.

Naturally, don’t ever be rude.

When the check arrives. Do not throw the small leather holder with credit card in it to the waiter and yell, “Catch” at a Mario Batali restaurant. This might be approriate at a sports bar.

Don’t try to hold my hand.

Do not refer to your children as stupid.

Do not use the word cunt. Ever.

Sharing food is one thing. Eating off my plate is another. DO NOT put your fork, spoon, or chopsticks on my plate. I will pass you a taste in a sanitary fashion. (If I am sleeping with you, this is a different story.)

Do not try to get a peek at my breasts or my ass. I see you looking. Trust me, I have both and they’re damn nice. Let’s be honest, did you ever meet an ass or a pair of breasts that you didn’t like?

Do not tell me about your sexual exploits. It makes me ill. Well, maybe how you lost your virginity would be entertaining as long as it wasn’t last month.

Please wax your hands before date if they resemble a gorilla.

Do not talk about your ex-wife. (this is not a typo)

Thank you.

Teenie Weenies – The Smallest Penis Contest

It’s that time of year again! The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant is scheduled for Saturday, June 13th at 2:30 p.m. at the Kings County Saloon in Bushwick, Brooklyn.

With lines down the block in previous years, it promises to be another mob scene next month at the new and roomier Kings County Saloon. Started 2013, it’s the only pageant in the world where small penises are celebrated. This year the prize has been pumped up to $500. (kind of makes me wish I had a small penis and not a small vagina).

The nuttiness will kick off at 2:30 p.m. Hopefully bartenders will still be mixing up a special COCKtail, the “Penis Colada” drink: a creamy, white concoction that by no coincidence resembles semen, and comes with a phalic-shaped straw to boot.

Per a media release, contestants will be judged in multiple categories, just like a beauty contest. However these beauties will all be from below the belt, not the 50 states and Puerto Rico! A “wee crown and scepter” will be awarded to the least-endowed man best exhibiting “extraordinary heart, talent, and chutzpa.”

Last year, event promoters told HuffPost the pageant was all about empowering the little guys, describing it as a competition “for confident people with a sense of humor.” There were five contestants last year: the Puzzle Master, Rufio, Rajkumar, Twig ‘n Berries and Spiderman mask-wearing Peter Parker. The contestants were introduced to the audience via a question-and-answer session. And although this was a tiny penis competition, it was pretty clear from the get-go that both Rufio and Twig ‘n Berries had perfectly average-sized penises. They were just in it for the fun of it.

I’ve been told post-Q&A came the swimsuit competition. The fellers lined up on top of the bar, their goodies camouflaged with sheer cloth-covered with sea creatures. Then they were sprayed with water by Super-Soaker wielding bar staff, and urged to dance for the crowd. Apparently, that’s when things got a little wild.

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Finally, there was the crowning. The contestants wore tiny tuxedos over their penises in celebration. Hopefully last years winner, Rajeeve Gupta, 28, a Fulbright scholar from India,  will be there to hand over the title to the new winner who will be celebrating his place in Small Penis history. Last summer when Gupta was crowned the wiener of the second annual dick show he said, “I’m so happy! Hopefully I’ll meet someone because of this.” Hopefully, Raj wasnt given the shaft since his big win. “Raj was definitely the ­littlest big winner.” said bar owner Aimee Arciuolo.

Sounds like a fun afternoon and $5.00 well spent. It’s worth it just for a Facebook status or check in and a load of jokes. But, based on my experience counseling some men with unusual fetishes and sexual conditions, I have a sneaking suspicion that if you held a contest for the smallest penis and the men WERE humiliated, NOT celebrated, the bar owners would really make a shit load of money. But that’s a whole other thing, isn’t it?

Those interested in competing or serving as a judge must be over 21, and have been asked to email SPB.Brooklyn@gmail.com for further details. Cheers! Here’s to the little guys.