Show Us Your Penis

Here’s a Monday laugh for you! Thanks College Humor.

Meet Rip Van Dinkle, Smallest Penis Contestant

 

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It’s that time of year again! The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant is scheduled for Saturday, June 13th at 2:30 p.m. at the Kings County Saloon in Bushwick, Brooklyn. We had the opportunity to speak with one of the previous contestants, Rip Van Dinkle, from the very first contest back in 2013. He was very candid. Keep in mind that this event most likely will be full house with lines down the block like past years. Get there early! If you can’t make it, also on June 13th, The Man with No Penis airs at 10PM on Discovery Life Channel. Turns out June 13th is a big night for the PENIS!

When did you realize you had a small penis?

I think probably about the same time most boys with little ones realize it: in the junior high school locker-room, where you can compare sizes to other boys your age.

Is your penis technically a micro penis?

No, I don’t believe so. I am just under two inches limp, just under three inches in girth. I’m no expert, but from what I’ve read the true micro penis is smaller than that.

Have you seen a doctor about this condition?

I have not really seen the need to see a doctor. A small penis can be embarrassing, but I don’t really think of it as a physical disability. Besides, plenty of doctors have seen me naked, and none of them (male and female) have suggested any sort of remedy.

Did women ever mention your small penis?

Not to my face. When I was getting divorced, there were some heated arguments with my ex, Amy, during which she accused me of being “unimaginative” or “unadventurous” or something like that, in bed, and I believe she implied that she’d had lovers with bigger penises than mine. I sometimes wonder if she thinks my participating in this small-penis pageant is “imaginative” or “adventurous.”

What did they say?

After the first pageant in 2013, there was a great deal of discussion about it in chat rooms and on message boards. I was startled to stumble on a site called “café moms” or “moms’ café,” something like that, in which my genitals became the subject of a lengthy discussion. One “mom” had posted a close-up picture of my groin (taken at the pageant), and left this comment: “Where are his balls?!?!” There followed a lengthy back-and-forth between women on the site, including medical discussion of the tendency of testicles to ascend and descend up and down between the scrotum and the pelvic cavity. Each time a woman would comment, that giant close-up of my balls would appear. The women all seemed to agree that my nuts were lacking (I can’t argue). Many of the women seemed to be having a good time, at poor “Rip van Dinkle’s” expense. But it was a surreal, bizarre experience to visit this bulletin board. I can’t imagine any of those women making those comments to my face.

To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never had a woman ask me, “Is it in yet?” Maybe they were just being polite. On the other hand, my penis is small enough that I’ve had it fall out of the vagina during intercourse, at which point the woman usually reaches down and inserts my penis with her hand. A more appropriate question at that point might be, “Is it still in?”

Did boys in the locker room at school/camp notice your small penis?

I’m sure they did, but I can’t honestly recall any insults (that was a long time ago for me). I do recall teasing of the boys with BIG penises.

Did they call you names?

If they did, I can no longer recall.

How did you hear about the smallest penis contest?

I read about it in The Huffington Post back in the spring of 2013. I thought, “I have a small penis, and this sounds like a hilarious blast. I should enter.” And so I contacted Aimee Arciuolo, the Kings County Bar manager who created the event, and she urged me to enter.

Are you local to the Brooklyn area?

No, I am from Minnesota. I fly in for the pageant. You don’t have to be from Brooklyn to participate. Last year’s winner is from India.

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Is this a fun event?

Extremely fun. If you want a better idea of the pageant, just Google it and you’ll find dozens of stories with pictures. Or you could check out my Tumblr page, but beware because I’ve included not-safe-for-work pictures there.

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Is it more about humiliation?

I think there are two kinds of people who attend the event: people who are anti-body shaming, who are there to celebrate us and have a good time; and people who enjoy seeing men with little peckers get publicly humiliated. The second group will no doubt enjoy this year’s pageant, in which judges are expected to measure our “manhoods” on stage and then announce the sizes. I don’t really have a problem with either group. It seems to me that women have been exploited in topless bars, wet T-shirt contests, etc. for many years, so if some women see this as “payback” in which we males are exploited, that seems fair to me.

If you visit some Facebook or Twitter pages in which the contest is being discussed, you’ll see that quite a few women say they plan to attend the pageant to “laugh at little dicks,” and to take pictures that they can share with friends. I did a podcast with a woman, Rachel Khona, who admits on her blog that she would never consider sleeping with a small-dicked man, and that she and her friend went to last year’s pageant just to giggle at little cocks and the men who have them. Again, this doesn’t really bother me.

I also have nieces and female co-workers, past and present, who could read about this and see the pictures of me. I suppose if any of them ever mention it to me, that could be an awkward conversation.

Did anything good come out of your participation in the event?

I took second place, so there was no money, and I immediately flew home to Minnesota, so there were no dates or media events for me. But I’m doing it again this year simply because it was so much fun. If you can deal with the after-pageant mockery in some Internet chat rooms, and countless pictures of your nudity on the Web, I highly recommend it.

Have you gotten any dates because of your small penis?

Lol, not really. I don’t think anyone here in the Midwest knows that I was in the pageant, and unless they have x-ray vision, they have no idea how small my penis is.

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I hear you are participating again this year. I guess you had fun last year!

Actually, I was in the pageant two years ago, the inaugural event. But yes, it was a blast.

What is the biggest struggle you have?

I have the same struggles that most people have, but I don’t believe that any of them are related to my penis size. For example: I’ve been trying to get a date with “Tiny” from this blog, but haven’t had any luck.

What’s the best part of having a small penis? And the worst?

If I’m being honest, I can’t deny that I would prefer to have a bigger penis. A lot of women say that small penises don’t bother them, but it can bother the man himself, psychologically. But it does get better as you get older. Twenty years ago I wouldn’t have dreamed of entering a contest like this one in Brooklyn. Now, I actually enjoy it.

If I have any penis-related issues, they have more to do with age than with size. It’s true, for example, that a guy my age has more trouble getting it up, maintaining an erection, smaller semen production, etc.

Name: John Haakenson (Rip van Dinkle in the pageant). Age: 57. Live in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Divorced, no kids. Freelance writer and editor.

Twitter –  @RipvanDinkle1

Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/ripvandinkle

Tumblr – http://ripvandinkle.tumblr.com/

Penis-less Man Beds Over 100 Women

Andrew Wardle, 40, a British man born without a penis “suffers from an extremely rare birth condition called Bladder Exstrophy, which caused the organ to grow outside his body. Doctors were able to fix his bladder, but he never developed the reproductive organ.

The Manchester, England-based Wardle is the subject of an upcoming one-hour documentary (airing June 13th) on Discovery Life Channel that will follow him as he confesses the truth to old friends, past lovers and even his current, unsuspecting girlfriend.

“I had only told about 20 percent of them the truth,” Wardle tells the network. “It is difficult to explain to a new girlfriend. Once, I was punched in the face when I told a girl. I guess she felt like I had lied, but it’s not something you can say right away.”

The documentary also follows him through medical procedures as he seeks to have a fully functioning organ built thanks to recent advancements in gender reconstruction surgery. Wardle says he has struggled with depression, substance abuse and at one point even contemplated suicide because of his condition.

“The Man With No Penis” premieres June 13 at 10 p.m. on Discovery Life Channel.

I don’t know about most women out there but I am fond of the male anatomy. I would never miss the fact that a man was minus a penis. I’ve come across the micro penis (and written about it in  —–) so it would be really hard for me to not realize my date was missing a limb. Sure if i were passed out drunk or had taken a handful of Percocets I surely could miss the entire experience but that’s not how I roll.

Coincidentally, The Man With No Penis airs on the same day as the Smallest Penis Contest in Brooklyn, New York. Now that’s a lot of Penis in one day!

Close-up of Andrew on beach.

Photo: Discovery Life Channel

 

 

Teenie Weenies – The Smallest Penis Contest

It’s that time of year again! The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant is scheduled for Saturday, June 13th at 2:30 p.m. at the Kings County Saloon in Bushwick, Brooklyn.

With lines down the block in previous years, it promises to be another mob scene next month at the new and roomier Kings County Saloon. Started 2013, it’s the only pageant in the world where small penises are celebrated. This year the prize has been pumped up to $500. (kind of makes me wish I had a small penis and not a small vagina).

The nuttiness will kick off at 2:30 p.m. Hopefully bartenders will still be mixing up a special COCKtail, the “Penis Colada” drink: a creamy, white concoction that by no coincidence resembles semen, and comes with a phalic-shaped straw to boot.

Per a media release, contestants will be judged in multiple categories, just like a beauty contest. However these beauties will all be from below the belt, not the 50 states and Puerto Rico! A “wee crown and scepter” will be awarded to the least-endowed man best exhibiting “extraordinary heart, talent, and chutzpa.”

Last year, event promoters told HuffPost the pageant was all about empowering the little guys, describing it as a competition “for confident people with a sense of humor.” There were five contestants last year: the Puzzle Master, Rufio, Rajkumar, Twig ‘n Berries and Spiderman mask-wearing Peter Parker. The contestants were introduced to the audience via a question-and-answer session. And although this was a tiny penis competition, it was pretty clear from the get-go that both Rufio and Twig ‘n Berries had perfectly average-sized penises. They were just in it for the fun of it.

I’ve been told post-Q&A came the swimsuit competition. The fellers lined up on top of the bar, their goodies camouflaged with sheer cloth-covered with sea creatures. Then they were sprayed with water by Super-Soaker wielding bar staff, and urged to dance for the crowd. Apparently, that’s when things got a little wild.

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Finally, there was the crowning. The contestants wore tiny tuxedos over their penises in celebration. Hopefully last years winner, Rajeeve Gupta, 28, a Fulbright scholar from India,  will be there to hand over the title to the new winner who will be celebrating his place in Small Penis history. Last summer when Gupta was crowned the wiener of the second annual dick show he said, “I’m so happy! Hopefully I’ll meet someone because of this.” Hopefully, Raj wasnt given the shaft since his big win. “Raj was definitely the ­littlest big winner.” said bar owner Aimee Arciuolo.

Sounds like a fun afternoon and $5.00 well spent. It’s worth it just for a Facebook status or check in and a load of jokes. But, based on my experience counseling some men with unusual fetishes and sexual conditions, I have a sneaking suspicion that if you held a contest for the smallest penis and the men WERE humiliated, NOT celebrated, the bar owners would really make a shit load of money. But that’s a whole other thing, isn’t it?

Those interested in competing or serving as a judge must be over 21, and have been asked to email SPB.Brooklyn@gmail.com for further details. Cheers! Here’s to the little guys.

 

Dating Etiquette – Full Disclosure or Not?

 

Now that I’m feeling better I’m thinking about dating again. Truth be told, I go out a lot. I just don’t consider a coffee/drink or even dinner “dating”. I think of it as a “meeting”. I think of dating as two people who are interested in each other and are seeing each other on a regular basis with the goal being a sexual relationship. That’s just my take.

I’ve been thinking more about the sexual relationship part lately. Sure, I want to like the guy. I want to be attracted to them and all that but maybe I shouldn’t be SO picky. Maybe I could have another glass of wine and just go back to their place. Let’s say I do, do I need to explain my situation? (In case you haven’t been reading my other blog posts I’m referring to an out of practice, tight, possibly rusty, and tiny, menopausal vagina) How do I explain my predicament? Do I have to or do I just act like everything is normal and I’ve never had an issue before? And then I just spring it on them when the underpants come off. Just like nearly all of the men I have dated with sexual issues and limitations. Take for instance the ones with Erectile Dysfunction. They know they have a problem but they don’t say a word. When it’s show time the curtain never goes up. It becomes an Olympian feat to try to get a rise out of these poor men. It behooves me why they just don’t pop a Viagra.

Or what about the men with Premature Ejaculation (I refer to them fondly as “Minute Men”). With a Minute Man the show is over before you take a seat. And then there’s a somewhat (but not as small as you might think) group of guys out there with the dreaded micro penis. They too never drop you a hint either. They never indicate that there’s anything is wrong. And when the boxers come off it’s like an Easter Egg hunt — in the dark.  And you can’t find the golden egg. (Yes, that really happened to me and it was very confusing. And upsetting. Especially when I did find the little nub, it was so small it resembled a cross between a doorbell and an acorn more than a penis). I don’t want to be those guys.

Perhaps I should be more like the man I had a second date with a few years back. He was a seemingly lovely man, attractive, successful, and age appropriate. Between our first and second course at a lovely romantic restaurant he shared with me his struggle with prostate cancer. Naturally, I was very understanding and sympathetic. I even held his hand (and I’m not a hand holder) because I thought we were really connecting. He shared a lot,

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“After surgery you can’t have sex for six months. No masturbation. Nothing. When the doctor said I could finally make love to my wife I was so happy. When we tried nothing happened. I went back to the doctor and got a prescription for Viagra. Nothing. Cialis. Nothing. I made another appointment. The doctor said, Don’t worry. I’ll give you a shot. You’ll be fine.” When he came back with the needle I rolled up my sleeve. The doctor asked, “What are you doing?” I said getting ready for the shot. And he said, “No, not there. Take down your pants AND shorts.”

Apparently the doctor proceeded to inject his penis. He drove home as fast as he could and had an erection that lasted over four hours. To this day he has to carry a syringe with him on dates, “just in case”. He has learned how to inject himself. That’s what he has to do each and every time he wants to have sex. Can you imagine having sex for four hours? I actually thought about it that night when he dropped me off. I thought I could get started with him, leave and go shopping for a few hours and get back just in time for the finale. Then I realized there would never been any finale for this poor guy. He wasn’t able to ejaculate. As nice as he was, there was never a third date.

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Which brings me back to, do I need to say anything? Or do I just go with the flow when it finally does happen?  Maybe it would be a good surprise. What man wouldn’t want to think they had a schlong so big it wouldn’t fit in a grown woman’s vagina? I could be every man’s ego boost…

Straight, Gay, Bi, Trans, what would you do?

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