The Lonely Yoni

I have a few other tricks up my sleeve while I wait the 12 weeks for the Premarin to kick in. My dear friend Tatiana had been telling me about classes she iss teaching and workshops she is hosting. They were for women — not specifically menopausal women, or even women in my age group, but I was curious. It was time to give her a call and see if she could help out.

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I’ve done yoga before with Rodney Yee and I’ve sweat with Bikram. (Interestingly enough both Yee and Bikram have been accused of sexual misconduct). I’ve had acupuncture. acupressure, reiki, Jin shin jyutsu, I have a mantra from the same guru as Elizabeth
Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame.

So I’ve tried all kinds of things to get my life in order to manage anxiety anger health matters of the heart but I’ve never seen/consulted with anyone (other than my doctors) regarding matters of my vagina There’s a first time for everything!! I was excited and nervous and anxious that she would immediately notice my repressed and “in recovery Catholic girl” sexual energy or in my case, lack of sexual energy. This should be interesting to say the least,

Tatiana, the Love Gypsy, walked through the door of her studio. She is beautiful with a mane of wild black hair.  She resembles a young Penelope Cruz or Salma Hayek (see photo above). She exudes sexuality and feminine energy.  It seeps from every pore of her lovely body.  Although quite a bit shorter than myself, I immediately felt intimated by this beauty until she spoke.  She was kind and friendly and put me at ease all at once.  I knew I was in the right place and she could help.

Tatiana believes that every women, at any age, has the capacity to embody her femininity and awaken her sexual power.  She believes women deserve to feel confident, loved, and comfortable in her sexuality.  She leads women through a journey of self discovery and healing where you will learn how to active your inner goddess within.  You will learn how to connect deeply to your body and feel empowered with your sexuality.  She promises, if you truly desire to open yourself up to life, you have to be open to deeper levels of connection, intimacy and consciousness in yourself.

Tatiana’s workshops and classes are designed specifically to awaken you gradually and effortlessly.  The sensual awakening series combines dance movement with tantra yoga, pelvic floor techniques, breath-work, and gentle touch.  These sessions are designed to open and activate the energy center’s in the body.  Tatiana will teach you how to activate and direct your own sexual energy, so you can create and manifest your desires into reality.  Her workshops will allow you to develop a deep connection with yourself so you can become integrated emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.  You will not only experience a deep connection with your own self but you will then be able to deeply connect with others. When your creative sexual energy has been ignited, you will feel new energy sensations flowing through you.  The more you practice these techniques, the faster you will find your energy becoming integrated and aligned.

I was ready to begin my journey. Come join me!

Tatiana Dellepiane

http://www.sensualawakeningmovement.com

thelovegypsy@facebook.com

thelovegypsy(Twitter)

thelovegypsy(Instagram)

The D Word

images-1I went to the gynecologist soon after my failed attempt at re-popping my cherry.

“Since you’re not big on medication I’d say the way to go is lubrication (here we go again) and get yourself a dildo.”

I stood there in the ritzy office with my Harvard educated gynecologist and he just said the “D” word. I nearly died.

“Is that really the only option? Isn’t there something else? Physical therapy? Acupuncture? A specialist you could refer me to?”

“That’s really it, unless you want to try medication.”

I shook my head no.

“So a dildo it is.”

I nodded with a tiny, awkward smile about the size of my shrinking (yes, they really do shrink) vagina.

I walked home with my head down. I had to do this. I had to stretch things out and get back in the game. Sex was always an important part of my life. If I didn’t do anything now it would only get harder or worse, I might never be able to have sex ever again if my vagina continued to shrink and atrophy. What a horrible thought!

I went straight to my laptop and did a Google search. I have to tell you as I sat there researching I felt sick to my stomach. I was upset with myself for letting this happen. Who hasn’t heard the phrase, if you don’t use it you lose it. I never thought it would happen to me! I was angry with my body for letting me down. It also made me realize that I was alone. Single. Unattached. I would have to handle this on my own. I wondered if I had a husband, a boyfriend, or a lover would they be willing to help me sort out the mess I was in. Why wasn’t I in a relationship? My thought ran wildly in the wrong direction. Focus. Let’s figure this out!

I typed in dildos for menopausal woman and hit the return key and there it was, “sex toys for the menopausal woman”.  http://www.bloomenjoyyourself.com/sex101/sex-toys-for-menopausal-women-starter-guide

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I cringed. I normally like shopping. Even online shopping… this wasn’t fun! I read the text:

“If you are post-menopausal, approaching menopause, or just over 50, you have come to the right place. Our sexologists have outlined a few tips to keep in mind when you are picking out sex toys after 50. Your body is changing (or has changed) in a way that is different from when you were 20 and that can influence your choice of toys.

1. Start with Lubricant

After 50 our bodies starts producing a little less moisture than before, and that includes our vaginas and vulva.  Lubrication makes everything that much more supple and pleasurable.

2. Use Supple Toys

Find toys that bend with you.  Aging tissues tends to become thinner and less elastic.  This change can be challenging, especially when a slight bump that used to go unnoticed or may even have been arousing before menopause, might now cause a jolt of pain or discomfort.  Toys made with silicone are an excellent choice as they are both body safe (no phthalates) and pliable.  And yet they are firm enough to give the toy structure without being too hard.  Make sure to choose toys with smooth edges.

3. Use a Dildo (at least now and then):

The vagina needs a work out too — being massaged, squeezed and contracted.  This stimulation will keep vaginal walls active and will ward against thinning and drying by bringing rich and nourishing blood flow to feed the tissue. If you are not having intercourse with a partner, a dildo is an ideal option. Or if your partner’s erection is not always there, a dildo is an idea choice.

4. Strong Vibrations:

As tissue wanes and blood flow decreases, so can our ability to feel sensation as we did before menopause. We may need more stimulation to get the same nerve endings to fire.  Vibrators ramp up the sensation, increasing the intensity of stimulation needed to achieve orgasm without tiring a hand (or tongue).keep-calm-and-buy-sex-toys-6

Keep in mind menopause is a time of change, which means what you are experiencing now may change again tomorrow or next year.  Adopt an attitude of “go with the flow.”

What a friendly and informative site! I felt way better than I did when I left my doctor’s office. I was not a freak. And I was not alone after all. So I did it! I ordered a lubricant and a dildo. I’ve got this. Update to follow. Soon?

 

 

Meet Rip Van Dinkle, Smallest Penis Contestant

 

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It’s that time of year again! The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant is scheduled for Saturday, June 13th at 2:30 p.m. at the Kings County Saloon in Bushwick, Brooklyn. We had the opportunity to speak with one of the previous contestants, Rip Van Dinkle, from the very first contest back in 2013. He was very candid. Keep in mind that this event most likely will be full house with lines down the block like past years. Get there early! If you can’t make it, also on June 13th, The Man with No Penis airs at 10PM on Discovery Life Channel. Turns out June 13th is a big night for the PENIS!

When did you realize you had a small penis?

I think probably about the same time most boys with little ones realize it: in the junior high school locker-room, where you can compare sizes to other boys your age.

Is your penis technically a micro penis?

No, I don’t believe so. I am just under two inches limp, just under three inches in girth. I’m no expert, but from what I’ve read the true micro penis is smaller than that.

Have you seen a doctor about this condition?

I have not really seen the need to see a doctor. A small penis can be embarrassing, but I don’t really think of it as a physical disability. Besides, plenty of doctors have seen me naked, and none of them (male and female) have suggested any sort of remedy.

Did women ever mention your small penis?

Not to my face. When I was getting divorced, there were some heated arguments with my ex, Amy, during which she accused me of being “unimaginative” or “unadventurous” or something like that, in bed, and I believe she implied that she’d had lovers with bigger penises than mine. I sometimes wonder if she thinks my participating in this small-penis pageant is “imaginative” or “adventurous.”

What did they say?

After the first pageant in 2013, there was a great deal of discussion about it in chat rooms and on message boards. I was startled to stumble on a site called “café moms” or “moms’ café,” something like that, in which my genitals became the subject of a lengthy discussion. One “mom” had posted a close-up picture of my groin (taken at the pageant), and left this comment: “Where are his balls?!?!” There followed a lengthy back-and-forth between women on the site, including medical discussion of the tendency of testicles to ascend and descend up and down between the scrotum and the pelvic cavity. Each time a woman would comment, that giant close-up of my balls would appear. The women all seemed to agree that my nuts were lacking (I can’t argue). Many of the women seemed to be having a good time, at poor “Rip van Dinkle’s” expense. But it was a surreal, bizarre experience to visit this bulletin board. I can’t imagine any of those women making those comments to my face.

To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never had a woman ask me, “Is it in yet?” Maybe they were just being polite. On the other hand, my penis is small enough that I’ve had it fall out of the vagina during intercourse, at which point the woman usually reaches down and inserts my penis with her hand. A more appropriate question at that point might be, “Is it still in?”

Did boys in the locker room at school/camp notice your small penis?

I’m sure they did, but I can’t honestly recall any insults (that was a long time ago for me). I do recall teasing of the boys with BIG penises.

Did they call you names?

If they did, I can no longer recall.

How did you hear about the smallest penis contest?

I read about it in The Huffington Post back in the spring of 2013. I thought, “I have a small penis, and this sounds like a hilarious blast. I should enter.” And so I contacted Aimee Arciuolo, the Kings County Bar manager who created the event, and she urged me to enter.

Are you local to the Brooklyn area?

No, I am from Minnesota. I fly in for the pageant. You don’t have to be from Brooklyn to participate. Last year’s winner is from India.

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Is this a fun event?

Extremely fun. If you want a better idea of the pageant, just Google it and you’ll find dozens of stories with pictures. Or you could check out my Tumblr page, but beware because I’ve included not-safe-for-work pictures there.

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Is it more about humiliation?

I think there are two kinds of people who attend the event: people who are anti-body shaming, who are there to celebrate us and have a good time; and people who enjoy seeing men with little peckers get publicly humiliated. The second group will no doubt enjoy this year’s pageant, in which judges are expected to measure our “manhoods” on stage and then announce the sizes. I don’t really have a problem with either group. It seems to me that women have been exploited in topless bars, wet T-shirt contests, etc. for many years, so if some women see this as “payback” in which we males are exploited, that seems fair to me.

If you visit some Facebook or Twitter pages in which the contest is being discussed, you’ll see that quite a few women say they plan to attend the pageant to “laugh at little dicks,” and to take pictures that they can share with friends. I did a podcast with a woman, Rachel Khona, who admits on her blog that she would never consider sleeping with a small-dicked man, and that she and her friend went to last year’s pageant just to giggle at little cocks and the men who have them. Again, this doesn’t really bother me.

I also have nieces and female co-workers, past and present, who could read about this and see the pictures of me. I suppose if any of them ever mention it to me, that could be an awkward conversation.

Did anything good come out of your participation in the event?

I took second place, so there was no money, and I immediately flew home to Minnesota, so there were no dates or media events for me. But I’m doing it again this year simply because it was so much fun. If you can deal with the after-pageant mockery in some Internet chat rooms, and countless pictures of your nudity on the Web, I highly recommend it.

Have you gotten any dates because of your small penis?

Lol, not really. I don’t think anyone here in the Midwest knows that I was in the pageant, and unless they have x-ray vision, they have no idea how small my penis is.

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I hear you are participating again this year. I guess you had fun last year!

Actually, I was in the pageant two years ago, the inaugural event. But yes, it was a blast.

What is the biggest struggle you have?

I have the same struggles that most people have, but I don’t believe that any of them are related to my penis size. For example: I’ve been trying to get a date with “Tiny” from this blog, but haven’t had any luck.

What’s the best part of having a small penis? And the worst?

If I’m being honest, I can’t deny that I would prefer to have a bigger penis. A lot of women say that small penises don’t bother them, but it can bother the man himself, psychologically. But it does get better as you get older. Twenty years ago I wouldn’t have dreamed of entering a contest like this one in Brooklyn. Now, I actually enjoy it.

If I have any penis-related issues, they have more to do with age than with size. It’s true, for example, that a guy my age has more trouble getting it up, maintaining an erection, smaller semen production, etc.

Name: John Haakenson (Rip van Dinkle in the pageant). Age: 57. Live in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Divorced, no kids. Freelance writer and editor.

Twitter –  @RipvanDinkle1

Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/ripvandinkle

Tumblr – http://ripvandinkle.tumblr.com/

Hoping for a Vagina

 

images-1With all the news of Caitlyn (formerly Bruce) Jenner’s transition, I thought I would share another real life story of transition. Very few transgender people, male to female or female to male, can make physical changes so quickly as we have seen Caitlyn go through over the last year or two. Here is Emily’s story. Her story is much closer to the majority of folks in the transgender community. Please read with an open heart.

images-3Ever since I can remember I always felt different, unique and very sad inside when I thought about my life and how I envisioned it to be. I was trying so hard to fit in and be what I was supposed to be even though I cried inside and tried desperately to break free to the girl’s side. Despite my feelings I knew I couldn’t disappoint my parents as they saw me as a boy even though I didn’t see it that way.

Sure I was born male with a penis but my mind, heart and soul registered as female. I was always crying inside as a boy as I saw the girls in their pretty dresses wishing I could dress like them and feeling my body and mind completely at odds with each other. I felt the pain in my heart and it affected every aspect of my life and pushed me into striving to live as male even though it didn’t feel right at all. I reluctantly came to accept my life situation as a “boy” growing into manhood and I remember living in total fear of puberty and worrying about how it would affect me. My dressing was my escape and I always enjoyed the times I spent gazing at my reflection in the mirror in our living room wearing a pretty dress. I had to do this secretly and when I was home alone.  My feelings were all centered around the discomfort with my body and how I viewed myself.  I envisioned wearing the dresses, the bows in my hair, the nail polish and the pretty shoes because I was truly one of the girls. I always envied the girls at my school where I would see them all dressed so pretty as they looked so cute and wore such nice plaid rompers/skirts, blouses and Mary Jane’s shoes which were the school uniforms for girls in Parochial school. Meanwhile I had to wear boring gray pants with a shirt and red tie from grades one through four and blue tie from grades five through eight. I felt I should have been wearing the girl’s uniform and being addressed and treated as one of the girls as a student, an athlete and a person. I was so jealous of what the girl’s had and what I wanted so desperately to have.

As I think back to my boyhood days I remember the clothes I had to wear versus the clothes I wished to wear and the choices, styles and selections I had to wear were diametrically opposite to the clothes I wanted and needed to wear to feel happier and truthful to myself. My parents and my two sisters never knew my secret growing up nor did my friends. I was forced to live in the closet for fear of rejection, ridicule and bullying. I managed however because I was a very dedicated student in school and I was very skillful in baseball and cross-country running in grade school and all throughout high school.

It wasn’t until I reached puberty that I learned that girls have vaginas and boys do not!  I felt trapped with a body that didn’t match my gender identity. I was all girl and I remember I would cry when I realized I was very different from the girls I knew. We had very different anatomies and I knew in my heart and soul that I was a girl! I was a different type of girl! It was very difficult and emotional for me to come to terms with this painful reality. I was born with a penis but I felt totally female and this confused me and made me an emotional recluse hiding behind my studies and my athletic participation. I felt if I buried myself in the books and immersed myself in athletic competition my ongoing depression and gender dysphoria would go away. I always felt my body did not make sense to how I perceived myself from a gender perspective. I was literally sleep walking through my life with no sense of hope as I knew no one that struggled like I did and to make it worse I had no one to share my “secret” with. I just wanted to dream of a place where I could go and live the life I felt in my heart I should. I wanted to live my life as a very feminine woman with a vagina and breasts indeed!

All I could envision was the sad truth that I was not going to experience the joys of young womanhood and I was destined to be a girl with boy parts and the most difficult thing for me was knowing no matter how much I wished and prayed for a miracle I was never going to have a vagina which was always my dream and sadly a mere fantasy for me. I remember praying to God almost every night when I didn’t cry myself to sleep asking him why was I born the way I was, with boy body and girl mind and spirit. I just felt so lost and alone and was just going through the motions psychologically although I continued to excel in my academics and athletic endeavors. This plus music helped me cope to a certain degree but I still found myself secretly cross-dressing which played a major theme in my life as dresses, swimwear, lingerie and shoes were so much fun and so very appealing to me.

I remember through the years and quite vividly how important it was for me to live the life of a woman with a fully functioning vagina and to feel feminine and attractive to guys. If only I had a vagina I could experience feelings I never had of penetration and orgasm. I wanted to have a man inside of me through way of my vagina and to provide me the joys and wonders of sexual intercourse where I am the goddess. Oh what it would be to have a vagina! Pure joy and incredible sensations that only women can experience and that can only be imagined at this stage in my life.

I would even be happy with a tiny vagina! All I wish for is to have a vagina, to be happy and to experience the joy of sex as a woman. The truth of the matter is that although I identify completely as a woman in my mind, heart and soul I am genetically a male and I can’t change that nor do I want to undo what I am which is a proud father with gender dysphoria of a 16-year-old son who happens to have his own inner struggle with autism. My son is my life and I support both my wife and son. I am not ever going to be a real woman because I can never menstruate, I can never conceive, I can never give birth. I can never feel the pain that women and girls feel. Women and girls are truly special in every way and in my heart I too am a girl blossoming into womanhood even if it is as a transgender girl. I will live my life the way I see fit and that is as a very caring, loving and empathetic person who loves being a father, a husband, a brother, a son, an engineer, an accountant and a transgender woman of course with hopefully a body that eventually will match the mind. I don’t need to go overboard. I just want to carry on as I should! I am a woman! I am Emily! I am Transgender.

To find out more about Emily, please see the links below.

About Emily:
https://about.me/emily.iannielli.3

Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/emily.iannielli.3

Youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/user/ediann

Reverbnation:
http://www.reverbnation.com/emilyiannielli?profile_view_source=profile_box

Pinterest:
https://www.pinterest.com/emilyiannielli3/pins/

Teenie Weenies – The Smallest Penis Contest

It’s that time of year again! The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant is scheduled for Saturday, June 13th at 2:30 p.m. at the Kings County Saloon in Bushwick, Brooklyn.

With lines down the block in previous years, it promises to be another mob scene next month at the new and roomier Kings County Saloon. Started 2013, it’s the only pageant in the world where small penises are celebrated. This year the prize has been pumped up to $500. (kind of makes me wish I had a small penis and not a small vagina).

The nuttiness will kick off at 2:30 p.m. Hopefully bartenders will still be mixing up a special COCKtail, the “Penis Colada” drink: a creamy, white concoction that by no coincidence resembles semen, and comes with a phalic-shaped straw to boot.

Per a media release, contestants will be judged in multiple categories, just like a beauty contest. However these beauties will all be from below the belt, not the 50 states and Puerto Rico! A “wee crown and scepter” will be awarded to the least-endowed man best exhibiting “extraordinary heart, talent, and chutzpa.”

Last year, event promoters told HuffPost the pageant was all about empowering the little guys, describing it as a competition “for confident people with a sense of humor.” There were five contestants last year: the Puzzle Master, Rufio, Rajkumar, Twig ‘n Berries and Spiderman mask-wearing Peter Parker. The contestants were introduced to the audience via a question-and-answer session. And although this was a tiny penis competition, it was pretty clear from the get-go that both Rufio and Twig ‘n Berries had perfectly average-sized penises. They were just in it for the fun of it.

I’ve been told post-Q&A came the swimsuit competition. The fellers lined up on top of the bar, their goodies camouflaged with sheer cloth-covered with sea creatures. Then they were sprayed with water by Super-Soaker wielding bar staff, and urged to dance for the crowd. Apparently, that’s when things got a little wild.

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Finally, there was the crowning. The contestants wore tiny tuxedos over their penises in celebration. Hopefully last years winner, Rajeeve Gupta, 28, a Fulbright scholar from India,  will be there to hand over the title to the new winner who will be celebrating his place in Small Penis history. Last summer when Gupta was crowned the wiener of the second annual dick show he said, “I’m so happy! Hopefully I’ll meet someone because of this.” Hopefully, Raj wasnt given the shaft since his big win. “Raj was definitely the ­littlest big winner.” said bar owner Aimee Arciuolo.

Sounds like a fun afternoon and $5.00 well spent. It’s worth it just for a Facebook status or check in and a load of jokes. But, based on my experience counseling some men with unusual fetishes and sexual conditions, I have a sneaking suspicion that if you held a contest for the smallest penis and the men WERE humiliated, NOT celebrated, the bar owners would really make a shit load of money. But that’s a whole other thing, isn’t it?

Those interested in competing or serving as a judge must be over 21, and have been asked to email SPB.Brooklyn@gmail.com for further details. Cheers! Here’s to the little guys.

 

Dating Etiquette – Full Disclosure or Not?

 

Now that I’m feeling better I’m thinking about dating again. Truth be told, I go out a lot. I just don’t consider a coffee/drink or even dinner “dating”. I think of it as a “meeting”. I think of dating as two people who are interested in each other and are seeing each other on a regular basis with the goal being a sexual relationship. That’s just my take.

I’ve been thinking more about the sexual relationship part lately. Sure, I want to like the guy. I want to be attracted to them and all that but maybe I shouldn’t be SO picky. Maybe I could have another glass of wine and just go back to their place. Let’s say I do, do I need to explain my situation? (In case you haven’t been reading my other blog posts I’m referring to an out of practice, tight, possibly rusty, and tiny, menopausal vagina) How do I explain my predicament? Do I have to or do I just act like everything is normal and I’ve never had an issue before? And then I just spring it on them when the underpants come off. Just like nearly all of the men I have dated with sexual issues and limitations. Take for instance the ones with Erectile Dysfunction. They know they have a problem but they don’t say a word. When it’s show time the curtain never goes up. It becomes an Olympian feat to try to get a rise out of these poor men. It behooves me why they just don’t pop a Viagra.

Or what about the men with Premature Ejaculation (I refer to them fondly as “Minute Men”). With a Minute Man the show is over before you take a seat. And then there’s a somewhat (but not as small as you might think) group of guys out there with the dreaded micro penis. They too never drop you a hint either. They never indicate that there’s anything is wrong. And when the boxers come off it’s like an Easter Egg hunt — in the dark.  And you can’t find the golden egg. (Yes, that really happened to me and it was very confusing. And upsetting. Especially when I did find the little nub, it was so small it resembled a cross between a doorbell and an acorn more than a penis). I don’t want to be those guys.

Perhaps I should be more like the man I had a second date with a few years back. He was a seemingly lovely man, attractive, successful, and age appropriate. Between our first and second course at a lovely romantic restaurant he shared with me his struggle with prostate cancer. Naturally, I was very understanding and sympathetic. I even held his hand (and I’m not a hand holder) because I thought we were really connecting. He shared a lot,

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“After surgery you can’t have sex for six months. No masturbation. Nothing. When the doctor said I could finally make love to my wife I was so happy. When we tried nothing happened. I went back to the doctor and got a prescription for Viagra. Nothing. Cialis. Nothing. I made another appointment. The doctor said, Don’t worry. I’ll give you a shot. You’ll be fine.” When he came back with the needle I rolled up my sleeve. The doctor asked, “What are you doing?” I said getting ready for the shot. And he said, “No, not there. Take down your pants AND shorts.”

Apparently the doctor proceeded to inject his penis. He drove home as fast as he could and had an erection that lasted over four hours. To this day he has to carry a syringe with him on dates, “just in case”. He has learned how to inject himself. That’s what he has to do each and every time he wants to have sex. Can you imagine having sex for four hours? I actually thought about it that night when he dropped me off. I thought I could get started with him, leave and go shopping for a few hours and get back just in time for the finale. Then I realized there would never been any finale for this poor guy. He wasn’t able to ejaculate. As nice as he was, there was never a third date.

Medical-syringe

Which brings me back to, do I need to say anything? Or do I just go with the flow when it finally does happen?  Maybe it would be a good surprise. What man wouldn’t want to think they had a schlong so big it wouldn’t fit in a grown woman’s vagina? I could be every man’s ego boost…

Straight, Gay, Bi, Trans, what would you do?

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You Can’t Touch That

http://victorspinelli.com

Victor Spinelli

I don’t like anyone touching my ass. I just don’t. Why is that so hard to comprehend? I have many other soft and lovely areas you can touch. I read a Cosmo article years ago that said something to the effect that when a man touches a certain part of your body he’s trying to tell you that he wants to be touched there. Don’t play that game with me! Just fucking tell me when we get started, or put my hand on your ass. You could let out a moan just to be sure I get the message. Better yet, send me a text the night before. Please just leave my ass out of the equation or I may start singing MC Hammer’s, You Can’t Touch That which I promise will kill the mood.

My disgust of anyone touching the interiors of my ass, ie. my rectum, may have begun decades ago, when I was still a naive teenager, I had a gastroenterologist who gave me my first rectal exam. The pain was excrutiating. As he shoved his finger in me like a hand puppet I could feel him press against my body. There was something hard in his pocket. I tried to imagine what it was, a flashlight, a roll of quarters, a screw driver. It took me years of him doing this before I realized what he was up to – I did say I was naive. I was also a late bloomer. Perhaps this is the reason I’m sickened when anyone comes near my ass. It makes me think of Doctor Allen. To this day, I especially can’t stand it when my current doctor will say, “We should do a rectal.” I respond with my standard response, “Nope not interested. I don’t do that.” Of course she always respond,“Well, you know we should at your age.“ At my last annual exam I had to go through the same discussion yet again and this doctor knows me well. I finally said, “Please write on my file, DO NOT ask if patient wants a rectal exam – patient will refuse. I’ll even sign it if you want.”

Doctor, boyfriend, lover, husband, I just didn’t want anyone up my ass. All kinds of things happen in that vicinity and trust me none of them are pretty. Just ask comedian Amy Schumer of Milk, Milk, Lemonade fame or better yet play her video. Lyrics below:

Milk, milk, lemonade, Milk, milk, lemonade, Milk, milk, lemonade, 

‘Round the corner, fudge is made, I used to think that my tits was where it’s at, Used to be concerned that my booty was too fat, But now I know the truth and that worry has been shot, Big booty’s what they want and big booty’s what I got, Tits are old news if you know what I mean, All the guys love my fudge machine, Look me in the eye, Get your face in, don’t be shy, You say you don’t like asses, Cause I fart and break your glasses, 

Turd cutter, Loaf pitcher, Dookie maker, Fudge machine, Cheaptastic, Booty mastiff, Giant tuchus, Fudge machine, All my booty empire, the sun never set, Take a shot, yeah, nothin’ but net, images-5

Milk, milk, lemonade, ‘Round the corner, fudge is made,I’m gonna make you scream and shout, For the part of my body where poo comes out, 

This is where my poo comes out, This is where my poo comes out, This is where my poo comes out, This is where my poo comes out.

Talkin’ ’bout my fudge machine, Talkin’ ’bout my fudge machine, Talkin’ ’bout my fudge machine, Talkin’ ’bout my fudge machine,

Voice over by Method Man: That’s right, ladies, Ain’t nothing better than a big, beautiful sexy booty. But bottom line, no matter how fond a behind, You better call that onion what it really is, That’s just a fudge machine, Turn up.

This is where her poo comes out, This is where your poo comes out, This is where their poo comes out, This is where our poo comes out

This is what you think is hot, This is what you think is hot, This is what you think is hot, Talkin bout my fudge machine

Voice over by Method Man: It’s where your poo comes out

I nearly peed out of my lemonade machine when I heard this. When will pop culture’s obsession with the derrière quit? Not soon enough for me AND I have a nice ass.

Enter Amy Schumer with “Milk, Milk, Lemonade,” an LOL-worthy parody of all those butt-loving songs as a promo for the third season of “Inside Amy Schumer.” 

amyschumer-milkmilklemonade

 

Toni Braxton Needs to Use Her Vagina More

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I don’t watch The View much anymore but I did today.  Toni Braxton, the “Queen of R&B” singer-songwriter, pianist, musician, record producer, actress and television personality was on as one of the many revolving guest co-hosts of late.

I was pretty bored until Raven brought up a recent study that claims having sex does NOT make you happier. Raven said she rarely has sex but when she does it’s fantastic, the dim blond Republican, who I think looks like she should be named Ashley or Brittany, was confused that you use muscles to have sex, while Rosie Perez was pretty quiet. Suddenly, Toni Braxton, preacher’s daughter and star of Braxton Family Values, blurts out, “I’m not having enough sex. My OB/GYN said you need to use your vagina more. It’s been like two years.” Rosie, still silent began to blush.Unknown

What is going on with so many beautiful, smart, fit, and lively woman that they’re not having sex? (I share the struggle so I know it’s real) I’m not so sure (although I have a few clues) but I’m happy we’re at least discussing sex and vaginas and why we’re not having enough sex. Sounds like Toni and I have the same problem!

Study from Down Under About Down There

 

girl-smoking-marijuana-weedWhat fun to wake up and find another news article about vaginas! This one is about a dry vagina and they sure as hell aren’t talking menopause. Do you smoke pot? If you’ve been having issues in the dryness department maybe that’s why. See below. Down below. As in my post NOT your vajayjay!

 

If you’re a lady and you smoke weed, you’re going to want to read this.

According to reports, your mouth isn’t the only thing drying out after lighting up: Smoking weed may actually dry out your vagina, too.

So much for stoner sex.

Scientists first noticed the link between marijuana usage and poor vaginal lubrication after surveying 8,650 Austrailian people in 2009.

While it’s discussed openly online, there aren’t many studies on the phenomenon — most likely because weed is still categorized as a Schedule I drug.

Dr. Julie Holland, author of “Moody Bitches: The Truth About The Drugs You’re Taking, The Sleep You’re Missing, The Sex You’re Not Having, and What’s Really Making You Crazy,” is one of the few to spend a significant amount of time researching marijuana’s effects on sexual health.

She recently sat down with VICE to discuss exactly why “cotton vagina,” as Urban Dictionary calls it, happens and, more importantly, how to avoid it.

Holland explains vaginal dryness is a side effect, “exactly like dry mouth… It’s the drying of the mucus membranes.”

She continues,

If you have had a strain that is giving you dry mouth, it will also make you more dry [down there].

She hypothesizes strains higher in THC will have more of a drying effect than strains higher in CBD. But she adds that external forces (such as birth control, which notoriously dries out the vagina) can exacerbate the problem.

However, she notes,

It’s variable, and it’s personal. Each person responds differently to pot and each strain acts differently.

Females who light up can try coconut oil as lube, which Holland says is “excellent,” but mostly, she suggests, “experiment[ing] a bit to find what works for you.”

That could mean smoking only one type of weed before sex, or not smoking at all — it varies for everybody.

Check out her entire interview here.

Weed

Dinner and a Booty

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Photo credit: R. Umar Abbasi, NYC

“You need a good lubricant and you’ll be fine,” said my internist, dismissing both my issue and me. I prayed he was right.

Wanting to see if he was, I invited at old “friend” over to hang out for dinner and a movie. Well, that’s what I told him. Meanwhile I had a slightly different plan. Wanting to appear as appealing as possible, I pulled out all the plugs – I waxed, put on some make up, and had a mani-pedi. I even dug through my lingerie drawer and put on a little Calvin Klein number. Simple but with quite a bit of sex appeal. I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard even thought I was. After dinner and some TV I practically covered myself in lubricant when we got down to things.

“I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you. Or maybe myself. It feels like there’s a bone in there.”

“No, no, no, it’s okay. I’m fine.”

“You need to relax.” I took another swig of my Mojito. (Yes, I even made Mojitos.)

“Okay. Ready.” He tried again while I turned my face from him and gritted my teeth. I wished I smoked pot.

“I think I’m the wrong guy for this. I’m not into the rape fantasy.”

“Let’s keep trying. You’re a doctor. Don’t you have any tricks up your sleeve?”

“I’m a dentist.” Then there was a pause. “And I don’t carry my drill around.”

“Next time I’ll take a pain killer so I’m out of it,” I suggested.

“Hey, who do you think I  am, Bill Cosby? I want to make love to you when you’re conscious.”

I guess I should have been happy with the compliment but me hopes of popping my cherry, for the second time in my life, were quickly being smashed to smithereens.

“Listen, I’m happy with two out of three things. You put out a great spread and I watched some good TV. I don’t need to have sex every time I see you. Let’s just go to sleep.”

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Photo credit: R. Umar Abbasi, NYC