The D Word

images-1I went to the gynecologist soon after my failed attempt at re-popping my cherry.

“Since you’re not big on medication I’d say the way to go is lubrication (here we go again) and get yourself a dildo.”

I stood there in the ritzy office with my Harvard educated gynecologist and he just said the “D” word. I nearly died.

“Is that really the only option? Isn’t there something else? Physical therapy? Acupuncture? A specialist you could refer me to?”

“That’s really it, unless you want to try medication.”

I shook my head no.

“So a dildo it is.”

I nodded with a tiny, awkward smile about the size of my shrinking (yes, they really do shrink) vagina.

I walked home with my head down. I had to do this. I had to stretch things out and get back in the game. Sex was always an important part of my life. If I didn’t do anything now it would only get harder or worse, I might never be able to have sex ever again if my vagina continued to shrink and atrophy. What a horrible thought!

I went straight to my laptop and did a Google search. I have to tell you as I sat there researching I felt sick to my stomach. I was upset with myself for letting this happen. Who hasn’t heard the phrase, if you don’t use it you lose it. I never thought it would happen to me! I was angry with my body for letting me down. It also made me realize that I was alone. Single. Unattached. I would have to handle this on my own. I wondered if I had a husband, a boyfriend, or a lover would they be willing to help me sort out the mess I was in. Why wasn’t I in a relationship? My thought ran wildly in the wrong direction. Focus. Let’s figure this out!

I typed in dildos for menopausal woman and hit the return key and there it was, “sex toys for the menopausal woman”.  http://www.bloomenjoyyourself.com/sex101/sex-toys-for-menopausal-women-starter-guide

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I cringed. I normally like shopping. Even online shopping… this wasn’t fun! I read the text:

“If you are post-menopausal, approaching menopause, or just over 50, you have come to the right place. Our sexologists have outlined a few tips to keep in mind when you are picking out sex toys after 50. Your body is changing (or has changed) in a way that is different from when you were 20 and that can influence your choice of toys.

1. Start with Lubricant

After 50 our bodies starts producing a little less moisture than before, and that includes our vaginas and vulva.  Lubrication makes everything that much more supple and pleasurable.

2. Use Supple Toys

Find toys that bend with you.  Aging tissues tends to become thinner and less elastic.  This change can be challenging, especially when a slight bump that used to go unnoticed or may even have been arousing before menopause, might now cause a jolt of pain or discomfort.  Toys made with silicone are an excellent choice as they are both body safe (no phthalates) and pliable.  And yet they are firm enough to give the toy structure without being too hard.  Make sure to choose toys with smooth edges.

3. Use a Dildo (at least now and then):

The vagina needs a work out too — being massaged, squeezed and contracted.  This stimulation will keep vaginal walls active and will ward against thinning and drying by bringing rich and nourishing blood flow to feed the tissue. If you are not having intercourse with a partner, a dildo is an ideal option. Or if your partner’s erection is not always there, a dildo is an idea choice.

4. Strong Vibrations:

As tissue wanes and blood flow decreases, so can our ability to feel sensation as we did before menopause. We may need more stimulation to get the same nerve endings to fire.  Vibrators ramp up the sensation, increasing the intensity of stimulation needed to achieve orgasm without tiring a hand (or tongue).keep-calm-and-buy-sex-toys-6

Keep in mind menopause is a time of change, which means what you are experiencing now may change again tomorrow or next year.  Adopt an attitude of “go with the flow.”

What a friendly and informative site! I felt way better than I did when I left my doctor’s office. I was not a freak. And I was not alone after all. So I did it! I ordered a lubricant and a dildo. I’ve got this. Update to follow. Soon?

 

 

Dinner and a Booty

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Photo credit: R. Umar Abbasi, NYC

“You need a good lubricant and you’ll be fine,” said my internist, dismissing both my issue and me. I prayed he was right.

Wanting to see if he was, I invited at old “friend” over to hang out for dinner and a movie. Well, that’s what I told him. Meanwhile I had a slightly different plan. Wanting to appear as appealing as possible, I pulled out all the plugs – I waxed, put on some make up, and had a mani-pedi. I even dug through my lingerie drawer and put on a little Calvin Klein number. Simple but with quite a bit of sex appeal. I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard even thought I was. After dinner and some TV I practically covered myself in lubricant when we got down to things.

“I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you. Or maybe myself. It feels like there’s a bone in there.”

“No, no, no, it’s okay. I’m fine.”

“You need to relax.” I took another swig of my Mojito. (Yes, I even made Mojitos.)

“Okay. Ready.” He tried again while I turned my face from him and gritted my teeth. I wished I smoked pot.

“I think I’m the wrong guy for this. I’m not into the rape fantasy.”

“Let’s keep trying. You’re a doctor. Don’t you have any tricks up your sleeve?”

“I’m a dentist.” Then there was a pause. “And I don’t carry my drill around.”

“Next time I’ll take a pain killer so I’m out of it,” I suggested.

“Hey, who do you think I  am, Bill Cosby? I want to make love to you when you’re conscious.”

I guess I should have been happy with the compliment but me hopes of popping my cherry, for the second time in my life, were quickly being smashed to smithereens.

“Listen, I’m happy with two out of three things. You put out a great spread and I watched some good TV. I don’t need to have sex every time I see you. Let’s just go to sleep.”

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Photo credit: R. Umar Abbasi, NYC